Self-Defense
by angelgaybriel
Summary: The Marauders have graduated. The war is about to be waged. It's the beginning of the end, it seems. James Potter finds himself falling for the one person he isn't supposed to. He believes his feelings won't be reciprocated...or will they? Severus Snape/James Potter Slash! Pairing. Rated M just in case/possibly future chapters. AU, non-canon compliant
1. Prologue

**Hey, all. Gabriel here, originally Veronica of Veronica_reads or whatever it was. I'm coming back to this story, as you can see, and that means I'm going to revamp some things, and maybe expand a little. Let's see how long my focus on this lasts; anyone who follows any of my stories knows my habits of updating are abysmal, and the last update you got was in March. Feel free to stay or leave. Again, hate means nothing. Criticize if it's constructive. See you! -Gabriel**

* * *

An owl was perched on the Snape's kitchen windowsill. Eileen Snape took the letter, with her usual frown. As she read the address, however, her frown immediately changed into a small smile. She opened the envelope and was happy, for the first time in a very long time. Her son, Severus Snape, finally had an opportunity. He had the opportunity to get away from this awful house, in this awful town. Severus was now able to make something of himself, to be great. Of course, Eileen's husband, Tobias, would still stand in the way.

Tobias hated Severus. Eileen remembered on one of their first dates, before Tobias…changed…he said that he doesn't tolerate nonsense. Eileen thought nothing of it at the time, and dismissed it to the back of her mind. Eileen never thought it would spiral out of control. Tobias most often resorted to physical violence with Severus, desperate to quite literally knock the magic out of him. There was little Eileen could do about it, for Tobias had his own ways of dealing with her. But now, Severus could get away from all of that - at least for most of the year while school was in session.

What Severus had received in the mail was his Hogwarts letter, and while Eileen hardly had time to let her son see magic now that Tobias was jobless, she had given him enough of a foundation to get by. Knowing the way pureblood society is, she at least _hoped_ he could get by. Eileen finished reading over everything, and called her son. Severus came running down the stairs.

"Yes mother?" Severus asked, and noticed the owl perched on the windowsill.

"You've received your Hogwarts letter, Severus," Eileen said, with the corners of her mouth upturned, in a sort of half smile. Severus had never seen his mother so happy before. "We'll go to Diagon Alley soon."

* * *

Severus couldn't sleep that night. It wasn't because his parents were fighting, for once; it was out of pure excitement. Severus kept thinking of all the stories his mother used to tell him over the years. He knew about the castle, Hogsmeade-he couldn't wait until he was a part of it. Severus stared out his window and wondered about what it would be like. Would he make lots of friends? Would people like him? Of course they would, he thought, they'll like me just fine. Severus went back over to his bed, away from the window, and laid back down, staring at the ceiling. He had Lily Evans, of course, his best friend from the nicer town a little ways from his house. He had to tell her immediately about this letter, he decided. He briefly wondered if she had gotten one too. Of course she had, Severus said to himself, rolling onto his side, she was a witch, and Severus knew that. He just hoped they'd be in the same house, at least. There was the potential problem of her sister, Petunia. Severus had worked out that Petunia was older, at least by a little, and she had never received a Hogwarts letter.

After thinking on it for a few minutes, Severus decided that the problem wasn't going to affect him, and he left it alone. He wondered what kind of people would be at Hogwarts, and if they'd mind if he was friends with Lily. His mother used to say that she was shunned by her family for marrying his father, but well, that was his father. If it was any other Muggle, maybe they wouldn't have minded as much. His mother also told him that purebloods didn't like change, and once even made a passing comment that they might not like Lily.

Severus knew his mother wanted him to have chances to get out of this place, and he knew that he had to get connections in order to do that. He knew he was somewhat powerful, or had the potential to be, at least, but he needed a boost. Maybe his new friends at Hogwarts would help him with that.

That night was the first night of waiting, and Severus hoped it would be one of the last.


	2. Chapter 1-Decisions

**Hello readers! How are you? For my American readers (like myself), Happy almost Thanksgiving! I'll be writing a lot this weekend because I have off for the rest of the week (this bolded part was written Tuesday) so yes! I hope you like this chapter, it took a while to put together. -Gabriel**

 **Edit: Added chapter title**

* * *

Chapter One: Decisions

 _Here I stand, helpless and left for dead_

 _Close your eyes, and so many days go by_

 _Easy to find what's wrong, harder to find what's right_

 _-_ Breaking Benjamin, "Dance With the Devil"

* * *

The once hopeful, once excited boy of 11 was gone. What stood now graduating from Hogwarts was a broken young adult, who had nothing left to look forward to other than escaping the school that he thought would bring him ultimate happiness; that same school had brought him nothing but torment. Severus Snape sat with his classmates of the graduating class of 1978. He sat with an emotionless look upon his face, and didn't glance twice at who he would be graduating with. He could care less. Lily Evans, a childhood friend and whom he believed would be by his side and his friend for the rest of his life, was no more than a distant memory full of regret. They had drifted apart in their fifth year, because of the _Marauders._ It was always their fault. The four boys had always attacked him, every time, whenever Severus thought he was safe. He never was. It was impossible to run from them, to hide from them. It was as if they had eyes everywhere.

Sirius Black would always be the bane of Severus's existence. He was the worst out of the four, the most pompous, spoiled, overconfident out of all of them. Remus Lupin would have been a good friend in another life, with different circumstances; he was intelligent, and close to the top of the class-but he was a bystander. He allowed his friends to taunt and torment Severus without lifting a finger. James Potter was, compared to Sirius Black, the lesser of the two evils. He was arrogant and _too_ brave. Even Severus, who wasn't a Gryffindor, knew that there was a fine line between brave and idiotic. James Potter crossed that line. Peter Pettigrew was almost worth not mentioning, as he was also a bystander: too cowardly to join in with Black and Potter, but too cowardly to report them as well. Severus couldn't stand these four.

The minute the graduation ceremony was over, with Severus having won the award for highest OWL scores, he bolted out of the area. He didn't want to speak with any of his teachers, or classmates. He especially didn't want to stand around when his parents were the only ones not attending. Just as he was leaving to go into the castle, he felt someone grab his arm. Severus almost jumped in surprise, and he quickly turned around. Standing there was Lucius Malfoy. "Hello, Severus."

Malfoy had graduated five years prior to Severus, and he was already making large impacts on the Ministry. Malfoy, it seemed, had a permanent sneer on his face. With a continuously snide attitude, his aptitude of always getting his way, and a glint of malice in his eyes, he wasn't the most approachable person. Over the three years he was at school with Severus, Severus had gotten used to the constant 'Better-than-thee' persona Malfoy had.

"Hello."

"There's a meeting tonight. Are you attending?" Severus knew what he meant by _meeting._ There was a Death Eater meeting that night. The words 'Death Eater' always sent a slight shiver down Severus's spine. They were a secret order of sorts; led by a man named Voldemort. Severus didn't agree with any of their views. They were blood purist, anti-muggle, anti-muggleborn…anti-anything that wasn't up to their pureblooded, narrow-minded standards. It was the power the Death Eaters held that Severus was interested in. They were powerful, feared…everything Severus wasn't, everything Severus never thought he could be. But by joining them, he could. He could be powerful and confident, like them. He could easily be feared by many.

But by joining them, he would cut himself off from everything he held dear. He would go against Lily. Everything about Lily was what the Death Eaters feared; people like her. They feared muggleborns, and thus, retaliated against them, forming that group. He wasn't sure if he could let go of someone who cared for him… _cared_ for him. Past tense. She no longer cared, she didn't do as much as spare him a glance these days. He had become an alien to her. She no longer cared about his endeavors. What difference would it make to her if he joined them? What would it matter to her? He would become another soldier in their legion, another dog in the pound. She would live her life, and probably never hear of him again. She wouldn't know. She would never know.

But then again, her boyfriend, James Potter. He was bound to be an Auror. Or, work for that society Dumbledore had drawn up to go against the Death Eaters. What if it was Severus himself Potter would round up? What if it was him he was arresting? On the alternative side, what if it was Potter Severus had to torture, or worse, kill? Who would tell Lily the events? Would someone tell Lily that Severus Snape, her once-upon-a-time, long-lost best friend, killed her boyfriend? Or possibly, husband?

"No, I have a prior engagement."

"Which is? Come _on_ Severus, I've been trying to get you to go for weeks. I can't keep putting in good word for you when you never decide to show up."

"I have to clean out my parents' house so I am able to move in."

"That can be saved for another day."

Severus glanced back at the groups of people talking and laughing about the graduation. He saw Potter and co. joking around, almost knocking a table display down. That one sight was enough to determine his decision.

"I'll go."

* * *

Severus arrived at Spinner's End a few hours later. The meeting would be held later that night, so Severus didn't have to worry about it yet. He walked through the front door, and immediately his low mood was brought lower. He hated this house. Ever since his mother died…things weren't the same. His father, in a drunken rage, had left the house one night and never returned. That was one of the few good memories Severus had. When Severus set his things down in his bedroom, he immediately got to work. He first found the liquor cabinet, and took out every last bottle. He went out to his yard, got a bin and a bucket from the shed. Then, he opened each bottle, poured out its contents, and smashed each bottle into the bin. After there were no more bottles left, he took the bucket full of alcohol and took it inside the house. There, he poured every bit of it into the sink, and washed out the bucket. As long as he lived there, there would never be a trace of alcohol again.

He proceeded to clean up a bit, dusted things off. Severus soon lost motivation to clean the rest of the house, and he sat down at the kitchen table to read _Most Potente Potions._ Potions and Dark Arts were Severus's two favorite things, next to spell creation. Dark Arts interested him, perhaps more than it should have, but it wasn't necessarily for harm. He wanted to understand it, mostly.

A few hours later, Severus apparated to Malfoy Manor. It was where most meetings were held. He swept past the gates after lifting the wards. They were automatically placed back as he strode to the front door and knocked. Narcissa Black, soon to be Malfoy, opened the door.  
"Hello Severus, I'm glad you could finally join us," Narcissa said.  
"Yes…" He trailed off, and walked inside. Narcissa showed him where the meeting was taking place. Severus walked in, and immediately felt something off. He wasn't late, but he wasn't the first to arrive either. Lucius Malfoy, and other former members of the Slytherin house were present. Severus sat uneasily next to Lucius.

"Has…is…the Dark Lord here yet?" Severus asked in a low tone, careful not to let anyone else hear.

"No, but I expect he will arrive soon."

Severus sat back in his chair, slightly at ease. The room was noisy with the sound of mumbling and talking, with the scraping of chairs back and forth as others got up to be closer to the person they were conversing with. Severus looked around at all of them, almost amazed at how many people were there. What were their reasons for joining? Of course, Severus knew most of them were most likely there for the blood purity conquest, but what about those who weren't? Were some there for more power, like Severus was?

Suddenly, the room grew silent. It grew slightly colder, and that off feeling Severus had returned again. It was as if there was an immediate power imbalance. And there was.

The Dark Lord had just arrived.


	3. Chapter 2-Introductions

**This is another revised chapter! I hope this one's a little better. I tried making it more detailed and expanded. -Gabriel**

Chapter Two: Introductions

 _When I was 16, my senses fooled me_  
 _Thought gasoline was on my clothes_  
 _I knew that something would always rule me_  
 _I knew the scent was mine alone_

-Hozier, "Arsonist's Lullaby"

* * *

The Dark Lord had arrived, and he wasn't at all like Severus expected. He expected to see a man, or at least something that wasn't…this. He looked like a snake, but not quite. It was almost as though he was an incomplete transformation of something sinister, to say the least. The promise of power was looking a little less like gold, and Severus was feeling a little more like a fool for looking.

Severus couldn't bring his eyes away from the woodwork at the table they sat at, for fear of looking at him. He was new, he had no hope of going unnoticed, but any time he could buy himself at that point was a blessing.

And then, the Dark Lord spoke.

Severus couldn't help bringing up his head and nearly snapping it in his direction. The voice was not that of a reptilian man, but rather of an aristocrat he'd find in the richest parts of the country. All the Dark Lord had said was a greeting, but that didn't matter. Severus knew a gifted orator when he heard one.

"I see we have a new…guest…at our table." Severus dared not look at the eyes he felt piercing him. "Introduce yourself."

It was a simple request, but Severus felt uncomfortable going through with it. It was almost as if this was positioned as a job interview rather than becoming involved with Dark Magic. "I…am Severus Snape." He said it quietly, but he didn't dare to hope that the Dark Lord didn't hear it. Something told Severus that he didn't really like having to repeat himself.

"What assets do you present to me if you will be with us?"

"I…received…the highest OWL and NEWT scores in my year, and…" Severus was nervous about mentioning the next part. He had no idea if this next part would be helpful, or if any of it would be helpful, really. "And I am working towards a Mastery in Potions."

"A Mastery in Potions? Ambitious. There are not many Potions Masters left, Severus Snape. I think you will be useful in the future, yes."

The meeting carried on, and Severus wasn't paid much attention until about an hour later.

"Severus Snape," the Dark Lord called out from his end of the table, "Due to your…circumstances, and the little time we have before we do begin to start moving towards greater things, I have decided to initiate you tonight. Now is your final decision. Do you join us, and accept the power I offer you? Do you wish to have the strength over your enemies you never had?"

Severus deliberated for a minute, hoping to not seem suspicious already. He wanted the power. He wanted to be able to rise up and make something of himself. It was what his mother wanted.

Feeling for some reason as though he had struck a nail into his own coffin, Severus Snape replied with "Yes."

The first part of the initiation was one of the most horrifying things Severus had ever experienced in his life, and that was coming from him, who'd experienced many terrible things in his life. The Dark Lord was the one who administered the Mark, and it felt as though his skin was melting off. Severus could feel the Dark Magic racing through his veins, strengthened. He felt a weight on his soul-not lifted, but added. He was in utter agony, and he lost all track of time. What felt like hours at the time was most likely mere minutes.

He tried not to remember the faces of the Death Eaters around him, most reveling in his pain, absorbing it, relishing it.

The second part of the initiation was a swear of allegiance. Severus wondered for a brief second why there wasn't an Unbreakable Vow in place, but he quickly figured out that if anyone betrayed the Dark Lord, he'd probably prefer to kill them himself. After the pain of the first part, and Severus being relieved to find there was no immediate pain to follow, he agreed quickly and almost disgustingly eagerly.

The third part shattered his short recovery from receiving the Mark. Severus wished he had foreseen this, but it had slipped his mind the minute the Dark Lord's wand had touched his left forearm. Of course he would want to test his new recruits, in any ways possible: which meant free reigned torture for the only excuse of testing Severus's capabilities. Dark spells Severus had never heard of were used on him, doing all sorts of damage that Severus knew he wouldn't be able to easily heal himself.

After the meeting was adjourned, Severus apparated himself, dearly hoping he wouldn't splinch. By the time he dragged himself across his threshold and kicked the door shut with his remaining strength, he collapsed onto the floor, unconscious.

It continued that way for weeks; Severus was the newest and youngest member, so whenever any Death Eater was feeling particularly creative, he was the guinea pig. It didn't help that the Dark Lord had taken to mentally trying to break down Severus's mind, trying to pry his way in. Severus was glad he had started practicing and mastering Occlumency in his free time after Dumbledore had threatened to Obliviate him after the incident. After Lily had stopped being his friend, he suddenly had lots of free time. Occlumency was the way he filled it; it was either that, or creating new spells, or revising his potions textbooks. Severus knew that if he wasn't as naturally adept at Occlumency as he was, he would have been much more hurt and much more vulnerable.

Severus tried his best to get out of the constant torture if there was a chance, but he never could. He had to go through the greatest possible lengths to prove himself, jump through dozens of hoops just within reach, but he was never able to do it. He was an almost- never quite enough, and he hated it. If this was what his mother wanted, or what the universe led him to, he could almost laugh at how cruel of a joke it was. He dragged himself to meeting after meeting, never really remembering fully why he joined in the first place.


	4. Chapter 3-Memories

**Hello readers! I was swamped with tests this week so I never found time to finish this chapter! I hope you like it. I thought it was cool on how I did this one. Just so you know, I'm not sure if I'll get an update in before Christmas (the next chapter is probably about half finished maybe) but it's really sort of complicated to write. I'll try and get Chapter Four up for Christmas!**

 **Happy (late) Hanukkah for any Jewish readers, I hope it was wonderful for you! -Gabriel**

* * *

Chapter Three: Memories

 _I want to be completely weightless  
I want to touch the edge of greatness  
Don't want to be completely faithless…_

-Marina and the Diamonds, "Fear and Loathing"

* * *

 _Flashback: January 30, 1977_

 _Severus woke up that morning with a feeling of dread. It was Lily's birthday. Ever since last year, January 30_ _th_ _never felt quite right. Severus got up, got himself ready for breakfast. He went to the Great Hall, and started heading towards Lily. Even if she hated him, even if she never wanted to see her again, he just wanted to wish her a happy birthday. At least. It was the very least he could do that day. He went over to her. She looked up and her eyes immediately narrowed._

 _"_ _What is it, Severus?" she snapped._

 _"_ _I…I just wanted to say Happy Birthday." He couldn't look her in the eye. He knew her friends probably had the usual slight look of disgust they always tried to hide when he was around, even when Lily and him were friends._

 _"_ _Thank you." Lily turned back towards her friends, shutting him out again. Severus walked on to his table, avoiding the Marauders as best he could. He got to his seat without an issue, and sighed. He now had to listen to the pureblood manifesto that all of the rich, spoiled Slytherins had to remind people of every morning. Not all the Slytherins were bad per say; but the majority of them were bystanders to the few elite that seemed to run the place. It wasn't out of cowardice, it was for their own safety. Severus barely listened anymore, but he caught bits of the conversation._

 _"_ _Mudbloods shouldn't even-" Be allowed to attend, we know, Severus thought._

 _"_ _I can't stand the-" Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, Hufflepuffs, anyone but you._

 _"_ _I agree, they shouldn't-" Attend, we know._

 _Severus found it slightly sickening that he knew everything they were going to say, and somehow had their policies and complaints filed away somewhere in his head._

 _I'll never become one of them, Severus thought, I won't join anything that has to do with them._

 _Severus would have never known how much the tables had turned._

 _May 3, 1977_

 _Severus was sitting on the grass near the lake, studying for is upcoming potions test. He was so focused on what he was reading that he didn't hear someone sitting next to him. He turned the page, and found something incorrect in the book. He sighed, and took his quill and ink and scratched an instruction out. He wrote in a new one, and put the quill and ink down. He muttered to himself about how idiotic the author of the book was, and how could he get wrong an instruction so clear? With an ingredient like that? With that step that was vital to the potion?_

 _"_ _How do you know?"_

 _Severus almost jumped in surprise. He looked over, and saw Potter sitting there._

 _"_ _It's…it's simple logic really," Severus said slowly, "With an ingredient like this combined with those, then the potion would become unstable. If you're going to do potions, you have to know what each ingredient does. It's not that hard to memorize…" Severus stopped talking because he realized he was rambling._

 _"_ _Keep going, it's fine," James said. He actually looked…interested._

 _"_ _Well…for memorization, you could use mnemonic devices if there's a list of ingredients."_

 _"_ _What's a mnemonic device?"_

 _"_ _It's…you know in music, the notes? On the scale, there are these notes E, G, B, D, and F. A mnemonic device would be using a sentence with those letters to remember which order they're in. Such as, Every Good Boy Does Fine."_

 _"_ _Oh. Where did you learn how to do that?"_

 _June 29, 1977_

 _The way he looked at him-_

 _July 13, 1977_

 _Was that a letter from him in the mail? It couldn't-_

 _July 28, 1977_

 _It was burning. His father was burning the letters in the fireplace-_

 _August 19, 1977_

 _Opening them in secret-_

Severus woke up with a start. With the recent events of the Death Eaters, the flashbacks in his dreams became more frequent and more vivid than before. He shook his head and laid back down. He wasn't sure if he wanted to even continue like this; with this cycle of pain. But then, he remembered. There was a _reason_ behind this. There always was.

If Severus reached high enough, got himself far enough, scaled up even just a little, he could prove himself. He could show the world that he was capable of doing great things. He could get himself far enough to show everyone that he had finally gotten his life under control. That Lily no longer affected him the way she did. That the blasted, crooked-headed Marauders didn't leave a trace on him-that he could do anything. If this was the only way to do it, so be it. If this was how it was supposed to be, fine.

Severus set his goal, reminded himself of the rewards, and told himself that this would all work out in the end.

At least, he hoped so.

Severus got up the next morning groggily. He was thankful that there wouldn't be a meeting that night. He could finally get rest. He made himself a cup of old coffee he found in one of the cabinets, and sat down at his kitchen table. He was enjoying a quiet peace, as it was early enough for the other neighbors to still be asleep. Then, he got an idea.

Severus realized he had nothing to fall back on if being a Death Eater either abruptly ended or, by some miracle, he managed to get out of it. He didn't have a plan for what would happen. He didn't have a plan for things _now_. How could he make money with no plans? No job? Severus accioed a spare notebook he found lying around while cleaning. He got a pencil, and started writing down the list of possibilities of what he could do. Of what he _wanted_ to do.

The list was relatively short. It was work at St. Mungo's in medicinal brewing, start his own business, or work for the Ministry somehow. He didn't particularly want to work for the Ministry, but he wanted to at least have three options if the first two didn't work. Starting his own business would be hard without drawing attention to himself. But, how could he rise higher without gaining recognition for things? If he wanted to make advances, he'd have to fund himself, and that was a fact.

The rest of his morning was spent drawing up three separate plans in case things changed. Severus felt better afterwards, knowing that he had something he could do with his life. He could make his mother proud in some way. Some day. But as for right then, he had to sort himself out first.


	5. Chapter 4-Questioned Morality

**Hello readers! This is my longest chapter yet, coming in at over 2,500 words! Anyways, there's lots of conversations in this chapter. A question to keep in mind: How does James know that much about Severus? Also: don't forget about the letters. They'll make a reappearance soon. And, there will be a price Severus has to pay...don't be surprised at Dumbledore's leniency. Happy Christmas Eve Eve! I'll be updating today _and_ Christmas Day! -Gabriel**

* * *

Chapter Four: Questioned Morality

 _I don't mean to come off selfish, but I want it all  
Love will always be a lesson, let's get out of its way  
Cause I know, all I know, all I know_

 _I'm a prisoner to my addiction  
I'm addicted to a life that's so empty and so cold  
I'm a prisoner to my decisions_

-The Weeknd & Lana Del Rey, "Prisoner"

It was a month and a half after Severus had joined the Death Eaters. He couldn't bring himself to do much else other than to go to those meetings. He was too tired. Too hurt. Everything hurt. It was an endless cycle of this, he thought. If it wasn't physical torture, the Dark Lord would tear through his mind to try and find a fault, to try and find pressure point upon pressure point. If it wasn't that, things discussed at meetings made him sick to his stomach. There was talk of murdering innocent families, torturing innocent Ministry workers, talk of destroying everything Severus grew up knowing. It wasn't right.

Severus decided one day it was too much. There was no asking Lucius for help now, he knew what type of person Lucius was. If one thing was said in the wrong way, Lucius would no doubt tell Voldemort one way or another, willingly or not. Severus decided to go to the one person who Voldemort couldn't possibly interfere with: Albus Dumbledore.

Severus flooed to his office, and waited for him to arrive. When he did, the trademark twinkle that was in the headmaster's eyes disappeared. It always seemed to when Severus was around.

"Severus…I didn't expect on seeing you," he said, and sat at his desk.

"Yes…sorry to intrude on you like this, sir, but…I need help…" Severus said in a low voice.

"With what?"

Severus paused. It was all or nothing, now. He had to tell Dumbledore, as much as he didn't want to. But perhaps, Dumbledore would help him, or get him out of there.

He did not.

The words Dumbledore had said after Severus's long explanation were as follows:

"You disgust me."

"I _disgust_ you? Disgust you, Dumbledore?" Severus questioned, frustrated and flustered. How, after hearing that, could Severus disgust him? Shouldn't that be Voldemort that does so? How could Severus give Dumbledore the same feeling Voldemort gave him?

"Very much so. You betrayed everything you ever knew. How could you do so? Have you so much malice towards James Potter and-"

"James Potter was not, and never will be, the reason why I did this! How could you _mention_ him? How could you imply I'd be shallow enough to-"

" _Silence_." Severus immediately went quiet. Panic rang through his head. He had spoken out of turn. He would be hurt for it, it was definite. He had snapped at the headmaster of his old school. He had gotten out of hand with the greatest wizard of all. "I have an Order, Severus. Very similar to your Death Eaters, except for the correct causes. You are welcome to attend." Dumbledore then wrote something down on parchment, and handed it to him.

"But-"

"You are welcome to attend. That is all. I cannot take you out of Voldemort's grasp. That is something you must fix yourself. If you ever change your mind and reevaluate yourself, you are welcome. However, you cannot ever let Voldemort know you are a part of this, if you choose to be. Go."

Severus immediately left the office with the parchment. Joining an Order- that wouldn't help at all! It would add to the stress that was already there. But, he would keep his mind open, he decided. It couldn't get worse. Could it?

* * *

Meanwhile, miles away, James Potter was having the time of his life. He had never been happier. Him and his friends, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all together in the Order of the Phoenix. And of course, his girlfriend, Lily Evans, was with them. It was wonderful. James had heard from his other classmates. Most of them had Ministry jobs, or in Diagon Alley. Some of them, especially the Gryffindors and Ravenclaws and the Hufflepuffs, were all in the Order. There was a meeting that night, and James couldn't wait. It was one day closer to beating Voldemort.

That night, James arrived with Sirius at the Order's hideout. They sat next to each other and by Lily and Remus, and waited for the meeting to begin. Dumbledore arrived soon after, and a few late people came eventually. Just as the meeting was about to begin, there was a pounding at the door. It then opened, and Severus Snape stumbled in. He crashed through into the room they were all in, and held onto the wall for support. James felt surprised. What was _he_ doing here?

"Severus. I see you've joined us." Dumbledore said calmly. Snape didn't respond. He looked sickly, and paler than James had ever seen him. Even Lily, who had mostly forgotten about him, looked worried. He was breathing heavily, as if he had just ran all the way from his house to here. He looked exhausted, dead on his feet.

"Sir," James spoke up, almost unaware that he did, "He doesn't…look good."

"I see. What happened today, Severus?" Dumbledore's voice had a slight condensation, as if Snape was a little boy who broke his arm when he rode his broom too fast and crashed.

"Torture, Dumbledore, like I told you the other week." Snape said hoarsely.

"Did he find out anything about this? The organization?"

"No, nothing about this. Just about everything painful, however."

"Wait," Sirius said, "Who's 'he'?"

"Voldemort, Siri," Lily snapped. "Who else do you think?"

" _Voldemort_? He's a Death Eater? Why's he here, then?" Sirius asked, angered.

"He…has been invited by me, Sirius." Dumbledore said.

"Why?"

"Because I'm _sick_ of it!" Snape suddenly exclaimed with what seemed like newfound energy. There was an edge to his voice, as if he was desperate to finally say that.

"Sick of what? Killing people for fun?" Sirius sneered.

"Killing people? Black, in case you've gone blind since graduation, they're killing me!" Snape yelled.

"Severus, silence. We're having a meeting. You are not a member, you are a guest." Dumbledore cut in. James didn't exactly like that. As much as he hated Snape in school, he didn't mind him as much now. James thought it might've been that they hadn't seen each other in weeks that made Snape so tolerable. James didn't like how Dumbledore just _dismissed_ him like that. As if being tortured by You-Know-Who was nothing!

"Dumbledore, sir…he's…he's really hurt. He can barely stand." James said slowly. He wasn't sure whether he wanted to stick up for him or not. He did join You-Know-Who…but James couldn't picture Snape actually being evil. As much as he made that accusation during his school years, it looked less and less true.

"If you are so concerned, James, see to it yourself." Dumbledore's voice was void of any patience. It sounded as if he was done dealing with anything having to do with Snape. James wondered what Snape could have possibly done to anger Dumbledore this much. Dumbledore sighed. "I apologize, Severus. Go to the bathroom across the hall and clean yourself up, we'll start without you. James, help him."

Severus limped away to the bathroom and huffed. He looked at himself in the mirror and immediately looked away. A million questions crossed his mind. What was Dumbledore in a twist about? Severus felt he could laugh at how he was treated by his former headmaster. And what did _Potter_ help him for? Severus did nothing about his injuries; there was nothing he _could_ do. He had a pounding headache, he felt sick and anxious, and he couldn't do anything about it.

"Snape?"

Severus turned around and saw _Potter_ standing there.

"What do you want, Potter?" Severus said in such a harsh tone he flinched at himself.

"To help you," he replied, looking unaffected by his comment.

"There's nothing to help."

"What do you mean? You look awful."

"I know that."

"Did…you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about it?"

"Yeah, vent about it. I'd listen."

Severus almost took up his offer. But in the back of his head, a voice told him it was a trick. It told him, 'What would he want to help you for? He'd just laugh about it later' and 'What would he care? What would anyone?' Severus shook his head.

"You wouldn't care. No matter what you'd hear, you'd think I'm evil. You wouldn't care about me. Nobody does, really, so why would you move off that list?"

"I would care, you know. We aren't students anymore. We aren't in houses that hate each other."

Severus snapped.

"That doesn't mean _shit_ , Potter. Your friends hate me. Lily hates me. _Fuck_ , even Dumbledore hates me. How did I manage that? He holds me up to the same candle he does Voldemort. I'm just as bad! I joined that blasted organization! I agreed to their terms! I don't believe a lick of it! I truly don't! But do people care? No! They write me off as evil, as terrible, as pathetic and weak but _who wouldn't be_? To join that group and agree with them is pathetic and weak enough! I couldn't do it like the rest of you, I needed power, I needed to feel like I was a part of something, and where does that bring me? Where does that take me? Does that condemn me forever? Does it Potter? Does it paint an image in your head that I'm pathetic Snivellus Snake for the rest of my life? Does it show you I can't handle just a few thrown around insults? Tell me, Potter: _does that make me evil_? Does it?"

James was in shock. Snape sounded as though he was at the end of his rope; he was in hysterics, almost. James didn't know he felt all of that at once.

"Snape…you're not evil."

"I-what?"

"You're not evil. You're a man. Anyone would've done what you did. If I was bullied for half my life and I was at my wits end, I'd do the same as you. Hell, if I were you, the Death Eaters look like a pretty good invitation. High status, the best of the best in that group-I would've chosen it too. And…about my friends and I…that wasn't just a few thrown around insults…I mean…it shouldn't be dumbed down. It was bullying, Snape. And I realized that. You know when? When I saw you burst through that door looking dead on your feet. Because at first, I was surprised, but it didn't last long. You know why? Because I've seen you like that before. And it was because of _me_." James knew he didn't sound like himself. He didn't know why he was saying these things. Especially to Severus Snape.

Severus didn't know what to do. He never shared his feelings like that. He always kept them locked away, hidden in his head. He didn't usually tell people what he was thinking. Especially not his sworn enemy. Well, it seems that James would now be considered his former sworn enemy. He wasn't as bad as Severus thought. Did this mean that the bullying was over? He hoped so. In all honesty, if Severus could've back at school, he probably would have been friends with James Potter. If he was in Slytherin. Or if Severus had been in Gryffindor with him. But no, Severus wasn't brave like Lily or James or Dumbledore. He was in the Slytherin house. With the 'evil' traits. Being cunning, ambitious; that, to some people, was twisted into something evil. But James said…James _said_ …he wasn't bad. He wasn't a villain. He _understood._

"Snape…S…Severus. Can I call you that?"

"I…yeah, I guess."

"Well, you aren't as bad as I thought, first of all. I want to apologize. For the first day at school and the last. We should've never…we didn't even _know_ you. We…I mean…they still don't. I do, though. I mean, I should've done this earlier," James said, looking down slightly.

"Apology accepted, Potter." Severus said, relaxed a little. Just before James was about to leave, Severus spoke up again. "Oh, and Potter?"

"Yeah?" James replied, looking back.

"You're terrible at apologies."

"Right, yeah…right," James said and he grinned as he left to go rejoin the Order. Severus smiled to himself. Maybe this Order wouldn't be too bad, he thought.

Severus rejoined the Order after a bit, and just stood against the wall in a corner, listening.

"There has been word," a man named Kingsley Shacklebolt, "That the Dark Lord plans to strike the McKinnon family next month." Severus immediately found a flaw in that. The Dark Lord talked about striking them next week, not next month. Severus decided to speak up on this.

"Sir…not next month."

"Excuse me?"

"Next week. The Dark Lord is going to kill them next week," Severus said slowly. "He talked about this yesterday…he plans to strike next week, somewhere between Tuesday and Thursday. Presumably Wednesday, but it would be best to have reinforcements on Sunday. He won't go himself, he'll be sending out Travers and the Carrows."

"You know his plans, boy? How could you possibly know-"

"I'm at the meetings, sir. I've heard his plans for the next two months. The McKinnon attack will be next week, and-"

"I see…Severus, you may go. Thank you for the information," Dumbledore cut in. "Kingsley, continue."

Severus left, slightly confused as to why Dumbledore was so happy about him giving the information. Maybe the McKinnons were important.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore was not a stupid man. The minute Severus Snape stepped through his fireplace, he knew why he was there. After that night's meeting, Albus knew Severus was valuable. It wouldn't do to have him killed this early on in the war. If there was anyone willing to defect from the Death Eaters, it would be him. Albus just had to convince Severus to join the Order. If only there was a way to do it…

* * *

"What do you think, Lily?" James asked her as they left the meeting.

"About what?"

"Snape."

"It's been a long time since I've seen him," Lily said.

"I know."

"I don't think much of him. He does have guts to come into _the Order_ and just…demand a place like that…"

"I don't think he demanded a place, though. Dumbledore said he was invited."

"Invited for what? James, can't you see? Either Snape somehow got himself in…or Dumbledore is planning something that has him involved. It can't be good. This is a war, James," Lily said, and stopped walking. "Dumbledore is going to use him in something. I _know_ it. I didn't like the look he had in his eyes when Snape gave that information about Marlene's family. There was this weird glint. We need an advantage, Snape needs a way out…it's a bad brew."


	6. Chapter 5-Self Sufficience

**Hello readers! Here's chapter 5! Also, please note: I'm not from the UK or anything, I'm from the US, so I had some problems figuring out what to say on the money, so if it sounds weird or something it's because I know virtually nothing about the UK monetary system. Anyhow, that's the only issue in this chapter, so carry on!**

 **Happy Kwanzaa to any of those who celebrate, and Merry Late Christmas!**

* * *

Chapter Five: Self-Sufficience

 _I wrote my way out of hell…_  
 _And when my prayers to God were met with indifference,_  
 _I picked up a pen and wrote my own deliverance_

-Lin-Manuel Miranda, "Hurricane" [Hamilton Soundtrack]

* * *

Severus got back to his house after the meeting and went straight to the attic. He took the ladder down from the stairs, and climbed up carefully in fear the flimsy ladder would break. He reached the top, and stepped into the attic. He moved some old boxes and junk out of the way, and got to a far corner. He took out the box he was looking for, and went back downstairs to the kitchen. Severus placed the box on the counter, and got a small knife out to cut the tape on the top. He cut the tape, and put the knife down.

Severus took out the envelopes that were inside and piled them on one chair. He counted as he took them out. One hundred letters. Those were what were left of them, anyway, because his father had burned all the rest. Severus closed the box once he took them all out, and placed it on the floor. He pulled up the other chair, and took the first letter and started re-reading them.

With each letter, Severus's heart dropped a little more. They were painful to re-read. They reminded him of the stories in the Tales of Beetle the Bard, an old fairytale filled book he found in the attic one day. Things that would never, and could never come true. Myths; legends. It was nearly dawn when Severus finished reading them all. Even though there were only one hundred, they were long. Most were two to three pages long.

Except for the goodbye ones. Those were only one page long, and they didn't even fill the entire paper.

Severus sealed the last envelope back up again, and put the letters back into the box.

He had taken them out for one reason.

James Potter.

Severus doubted Potter kept the letters Severus sent. Not hoarded up in an attic in a cardboard box like this. They were already disintegrated or recycled or something like that. Severus almost laughed at having his letters recycled into a beauty magazine and the like. Severus sighed, and put the box on the stairs so he would remember to put it in the attic later. He then took out the notebook he wrote his plans in, and opened to a fresh page.

* * *

"James," Lily said as James opened the door for her to come in. "I had a thought yesterday after I left."

"What is it?" James asked, and he shut the door behind her, "Is it about Snape again? Because seriously, Lily, stop worrying he can-"

"He can do what? Stop the Hogwarts Headmaster? Stop Albus Dumbledore? I don't think so."

"I was going to say he could handle it."

"Back to what I said before," Lily said, shooting him a glare, "Snape needs a way out from Voldemort, right? But what if we convince him to stay?"

"What? Lily, you can't be serious."

"You didn't let me finish. We have to convince him to stay away from the Order, at least. We can't let him join! He'll…he'll be heading to his _death_."

"Why do you care so much all of a sudden?"

"Why don't you?"

James paused when he heard that. He did care, he really did, but…

"We shouldn't rush into something. What if it's a good opportunity for him?"

"But what if it isn't? Does he have another job? What if the Death Eaters just…drop him or something?"

"They can't, not now," James said, "He's got the Mark, Lily. Not all of them have that. He's probably important or useful or something. Can't imagine why, he's the same age as us."

"I don't know. But we have to do something."

"Let's get thinking then."

* * *

Severus finally finished his drawn out plan. He would start his own business-he'd start out small, maybe by selling Spinner's End medicines and things like that. If he started out with Muggles, that wouldn't draw attention. He would make potions still, but they'd mostly be harmless things for the muggles in the surrounding area to take for their coughs and colds. He'd gain respect that way. That was how his mother started out, anyway. Well…she didn't make it past that, because of his father, but that didn't matter. Tobias Snape wasn't here to stop anyone anymore.

The townspeople had trusted Severus's mother, because her potions always worked. Many of them had had their fair share of possibly life threatening diseases if left untreated, and no one could afford a proper doctor, so when Eileen had showed up with her 'medicines', the townspeople had never felt better. That went in decline after his mother died.

Severus got to work, trying to figure out how much muggle and wizard money he had. It wasn't much. The muggle money was barely anything, just a few five pound notes he had saved, along with some coins laying around the house. The wizard money was even less, coming in at three galleons, ten sickles, and five knuts. It wasn't anything he could live off of for longer than a few weeks at the most. He needed a job, and fast.

Severus put all of the money into an old mason jar, and put it under the sink. He needed a job. But where? Severus hesitated for a minute. He didn't know where James lived, or he would write and ask where a job opportunity was. Severus didn't particularly feel like going on the job hunt, because that would draw lots of attention. Not that anyone would hire him anyway. Severus glanced at the box on the stairs, and decided to go visit the headquarters where the Order meeting was the night before. If people were there, they could possibly give James's home address. _If_ he spoke to the right people.

Severus returned to the headquarters, and knocked. He looked over his shoulder to make sure no one followed him. He found the street to be deserted. When no one answered the door quickly enough, Severus knocked again, hoping for someone to be there. He would look suspicious to neighbors looking through their windows or getting out of their cars. Finally, a woman answered the door. She was young, but looked older than Severus.

"Oh, you're Severus Snape aren't you? I'm Molly Weasley, come in," she said, and opened the door wider so he could enter. Severus entered slowly, and Molly Weasley shut the door after him. "What are you here for? I'm afraid there's not another meeting until tomorrow night, if that's what you were interested in."

"Oh...no, it wasn't," Severus replied. He heard about the Weasleys. They already had five children, all boys. He didn't know much else about them, other that they were pureblood, yet in the same state as he was. They were poor, too. "I was here to ask about James Potter."

"What for?" Molly asked, and went into the kitchen. She gestured for him to sit, and she started making tea for the both of them. Severus wanted to tell her it wasn't necessary, but it had been a while since he had actual tea. He had mostly been drinking old coffee and tap water while living at his house.

"I would like to know his address," Severus said with a hint of caution in his voice. He wasn't sure if she would give it to him, knowing that he was a Death Eater.

"Oh, James lives in Godric's Hallow. Lily Evans visits there often, I've heard." Molly answered, and poured Severus a cup of the tea, "Very sweet girl. A bit sassy, and abrasive when she wants to be, though."

"Right...yes..." Severus said. Now that he thought of it, he hadn't seen Molly at the previous night's meeting. Maybe she wasn't an Order member.

"Was there any reason for asking his address?"

"No...none in particular...I'm not going to go kill him, or anything," Severus added hastily. Molly raised an eyebrow.

"Just because I'm not an Order member doesn't mean my husband won't tell me things," Molly said, and took a sip of her tea, "I do know that you're a Death Eater. However, I don't see a killer in you, Severus Snape. Even though you may look the type, I can tell you're not."

"How can you tell? I mean...I'm one of them," Severus said, and he looked down at his cup, finding it interesting all of a sudden.

"You aren't really, though. Severus, I'm a mother now, I've been one for several years. I know how to read a person. You aren't a killer. I doubt you would ever be, too. Even though others may not see it, you do have a heart in there."

Severus smiled slightly. It wasn't everyday that someone was this nice to him. No one else-other than a certain someone-told him that. Mrs. Weasley was the second person to say he wasn't evil. Well, she said he wasn't a killer. It had the same implications. She knew he wasn't meant to be with the Death Eaters. She knew, at least, that he was trying to be a good person.

"Thank you," Severus said, and he got up. He felt as if the weight that had been pressing on his chest had been lifted, at least for a short time.

"I just gave you tea and an address, Severus, it's nothing."

"No, you did more than that," Severus said, smiling slightly at her. He never smiled at anyone, but he felt that now would be the time to. "Much more than that." He turned and he left the headquarters to go back home and write James Potter a letter.

* * *

"Do you think this will work?" Lily asked James, looking at all of the papers they had laid out with intricate plans. Half of the papers had most of the things crossed out, but they finally settled upon one thing.

"It's got to," James confirmed. He knew something like this would work. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew what Severus was like. Severus wouldn't fall for things easily, so this had to be subtle. James got up from the floor and got parchment to write Severus Snape a letter.

* * *

Severus threw the tenth parchment ball across the room. How hard could it possibly be to write a letter asking about a job? It shouldn't be as hard as he was making it, he thought. He just couldn't get it together. He slid over another piece of parchment and started writing.

 _Dear James,_

He crossed that out. 'Dear James'? That sounded too sincere, too...something he didn't want to sound like. He started over.

 _Dear Mr. Potter,_

He crossed that out too. It was too formal, too detached.

 _James,_

Perfect.

 _I know we haven't spoken in weeks except for yesterday, so writing this letter has been-_

Crossed out.

 _James,_

 _I was wondering whether you knew of any job openings anywhere? I know it's not likely for me to be asking you for things after-_

Scrapped.

 _James,_

 _I was wondering if you knew if there were any jobs open in Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley? Lily could see if there are any-_

Tossed aside. Severus sighed.

 _James,_

 _I was wondering if you knew about any businesses hiring? I need a job, and quickly._

 _Severus hesitated at adding the next line._

 _I hope you're doing well._

 _-S. Snape_

Severus decided to stick with it, and he put it in an envelope. That was when he realized he didn't have an owl.

* * *

James threw aside the tenth (or eleventh?) crumpled piece of parchment. How hard could it possibly be to write a simple letter? He had done it many times before. Now, he couldn't find a way to make his quill form the words he wanted to say.

 _Dear Severus,_

No, James thought, That sounds too sincere.

 _Dear Mr. Snape,_

James crossed that out as well. He didn't want to sound too formal. They had a mutual agreement of sorts now, and he didn't want to make it seem like it was detached or cold.

 _Severus,_

Good.

 _I was wondering if you'd like to come over to my house to discuss things-_

Torn to pieces. James restarted the letter on a different parchment.

 _Severus,_

 _I was wondering if you'd like to come to my house sometime to talk about the Order-_

James scrapped that, too. What if the letter was intercepted?

 _Severus,_

 _I was wondering if you would like to come to my house sometime to talk more about our recent discussion?_

James paused before writing the next sentence.

 _I hope you're doing okay._

 _-J. Potter_

James sighed as he finished. He put the letter in an envelope, put the address, and gave it to his owl to deliver. "Spinner's End, please. To Severus Snape. Don't leave until you get an answer."

* * *

 **Hello readers! I don't normally do post-chapter notes, but I want to know: What do you think of a possible mother-figure Molly Weasley to Severus? And yes, the parts with James and Severus writing the letters were supposed to be alike.**


	7. Chapter 6-Conversations

**Hey, readers, I've updated this chapter (along with others) to include chapter titles; any re-readers might notice that. I've cut out an entire part here that was irrelevant information by now, so here's what's actually relevant.** **Something I don't think I've brought up! Reviewing! Please review guys, it's very much appreciated. It doesn't have to be much of anything if you don't want to, just point out something you liked or a mistake or anything! Just let me know someone is reading this story. There are a few of you though (you know who you are) who have reviewed before and I thank you! Thanks so much for those, they make my days sometimes.**

 **Sorry for the whole spiel there, but, a summary: Review, review, I'll update every so often during exam time!**

 **Also, everyone should give the 2009 version of Wuthering Heights's soundtrack a listen, it's gorgeous. (It's the one with Tom Hardy and Charlotte Riley on the cover) It's literally my inspiration for this story! I think it fits the mood rather well. -Gabriel**

* * *

Chapter Six: Conversations

 _Cross my heart and hope to die_  
 _Burn my lungs and curse my eyes, I've lost control and I don't want it back,_  
 _I'm going numb, I've been hijacked_

-Panic! At The Disco, "Nicotine"

* * *

Severus looked at the letter in his hand in disdain. He couldn't mail it. All that trouble was for nothing. Tired and frustrated, Severus left the letter on the kitchen counter and went upstairs, tripping on the box on the way. He picked it up and took it with him to his room. After he pushed it under his bed, he went to sleep.

His sleep didn't last very long, because there was a pecking at the downstairs window. He got up, and went downstairs and opened the window. An owl perched on the windowsill. It was a fine looking owl, probably belonging to someone who was on the richer side of things. The sight of the owl perched on the windowsill reminded him of that fateful day when he was eleven and he got his Hogwarts letter. His mother had been so happy...

Snapping out of it, Severus took the letter from the owl. He opened it, and it read:

 _Severus,_

 _I was wondering if you would like to come to my house sometime to talk more about our recent discussion? I hope you're doing okay._

 _-J. Potter_

Severus narrowed his eyes at the last sentence. Did he mean it? Did he really want to know if he was doing alright? Or was it just a formality? Severus decided to keep that thought in the back of his mind to think about later. He quickly accioed a new paper, and wrote his response:

 _James,_

 _Sure._

 _-S. Snape_

He gave it to the owl and it flew off.

Severus was halfway up the stairs when he realized he was still clutching James's letter tightly. He looked down at it, and ignored the slight anxiousness that rose in his chest. He wouldn't stress himself out over this. He had done enough of that last year. He returned to his room and put the paper inside the box under his bed. If it was taped away with the others, maybe he'd forget about it easily. Out of sight, out of mind, he thought. He went back downstairs to try and get some potion supplies together to make himself Dreamless Sleep. The vivid dreams kept returning, especially the nightmares.

Maybe, just maybe, Potter could do something to change that.

* * *

"Lily," James said once the owl arrived with Severus's answer, "Where does he even live? How is he going to get here?"

"I'm assuming, unless I'm wrong, that he still lives in Spinner's End. Cokeworth," Lily replied from the kitchen, where she was making herself tea.

"What number house?"

"Are you planning to Floo him or something?" Lily asked. James was, so he could at least either get Severus from his house or tell him his address. James didn't expect the answer to come back so fast, or for it to say 'Sure'. He didn't think that Severus would be willing to be open with anyone, much less him.

"Yeah. You know what, why don't you just do it?"

"James," Lily said, coming into the room, "I don't think his house would be hooked up to the network. He's a halfblood, but his father detested magic. I doubt he would have had a connection."

"Then why don't we go there?" James suggested. That could be easier, but James grew slightly uneasy because of the look on her face after he made his suggestion.

"I don't really think it would be the best idea..." Lily said, "I didn't see his parents at graduation, but I don't know if they're still there or not. I'd write to him and ask, first." James nodded and he wrote back to him, asking if it would be alright if he and Lily went over to his house instead, since Lily knew his address. He sent it off with the owl, and waited for his response.

* * *

Severus was coming back up from his basement where he was making his makeshift potions laboratory to get water, and he heard the pecking at his window. He went over to the window over the sink, and opened it for the owl. It flew in, and landed on his table. Severus took the letter, and read it. James and Lily wanted to come _here_? His _house_? He didn't really want them to see the state of things, especially since he gave up on cleaning everything all those weeks ago. Lately, he had been too tired to continue, so he never got to it. Lily would be used to the state of things, probably, because she already knew what his life was like. James, however...he wouldn't be accustomed to anything in here.

And that, Severus thought, would ultimately lead to pity. He couldn't exactly refuse, because he would rather stay there in his house than go to James's house and come home feeling terrible about how he left everything as it was and didn't bother to continue cleaning. Severus replied with a yes, and he didn't add his address there because he knew Lily would know it. He sent the reply off with the owl again (saying they could come at any time that day or the next), brought down the water, and continued in making his potions laboratory.

Severus thought his basement would be the best place, mostly because it was cold and darker, like the school dungeons were. Also, there were lots of storage spaces down there, so he could easily have all his supplies in one place. And, if he ever had any guests, they wouldn't have to deal with any fumes or anything. He had leftover supplies from potions kits. Once he could make simple potions, which he thought would be more like medicines, he would be able to sell them to the muggle people around. His mother had a positive reputation among them, and she had treated their ailments too. The thing was, she never made the potions completely by herself. She would make some while his father was gone, but she could hardly finish more than ten. But, she got them out regardless.

Severus had yet to look in his mother's Gringotts vault for anything. He knew his family was older, but he didn't know where the vault was exactly. He highly doubted much was in it, but there might have been enough to kick-start his business a little. Severus finished setting up a prototype potions laboratory, and he walked back upstairs, satisfied with his work. He was finally getting somewhere.

Now all that was left to do was to wait and see when Potter and Lily would come.


	8. Chapter 7-Visits

**Hello readers! I have returned! This chapter is inspired by the song Save My Soul by JoJo (it's so incredible). Also, I'm on season five of Merlin, (episode 4, so ssh) and it's killing me. I'll probably write a Merthur fanfiction one of these days. Or Gwen/Morgana. Anyhow! This chapter is also dedicated to SpicyWolfsbane, thank you so much for your lovely reviews! You're mostly the reason why I'm typing this up right now, haha. I hope you like it! (Be aware, there will be line breakers. So many line breakers). I'm working on the ending of this story, and working backwards now!**

 **Have a lovely day, and if you're in the US (and on the Northeast Coast) ENJOY THE SNOW!**

 **NOTE: EVERYONE LISTEN TO THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME MUSICAL CAST RECORDING! IT'S AMAZING. -Gabriel**

* * *

Chapter 7: Visits

 _You can't save me, you call it love, but still you hate me?_  
 _Lord I try and I can't say no_  
 _You're the pain and the medicine,_  
 _One taste and I'm numb again_  
 _You can't save me_  
 _Lord I try and I can't say no_

-JoJo, "Save My Soul"

* * *

"James," Lily said, right before they were about to leave to go to Severus's house, "Don't...comment on how his house looks. Please."

"Why not?" James asked, going to the door.

"Because," Lily replied, "It...isn't good. So just don't mention anything, okay?" James grew worried at that. What did that mean, 'It isn't good'? He strongly hoped nothing was wrong.

"Fine, I guess," James said, and they apparated directly there. The first thing James noticed was that the town looked barren. The second thing was that everything seemed to be at least, in some way, broken. Some houses were missing shingles on the roof, there was a lot of tape on things, and even the blades of grass seemed to be bent over. It was probably an exaggeration, but that's how the atmosphere made it feel. Lily had already started walking towards one house, and James hurried to follow her. She stopped at one house on a corner and knocked.

* * *

Severus heard knocking at his door, and went up to the main floor. He quickly magicked some things into a neater position, and answered. Lily and James stood there, looking very out of place. "Oh...come in." They both did, and Severus stepped back. He was anxious about what James would think, specifically.

* * *

"Hello Severus," Lily said. James couldn't really find words. There were two things he noticed immediately: One, Lily was right. It _wasn't_ good. The living room was messy, and there were lots of papers on the kitchen table. There were empty vials in the sink, books all over one part of the couch, and the banister of the stairs was dusty. James could have sworn he saw little shards of glass in front of the banister, almost in a corner. Two, Severus's hair was _tied_. In a ponytail. It was _tied._ He was struck. For one of the first times in his life, James was speechless. It suited him, his hair like this.

"H-Hey, Se-Sn-Severus," James stuttered, trying to compose himself.

"Hello..." Severus said, pushing some books into a neater pile. James noticed that he looked nervous.

"So, Severus," James said, regaining some confidence. "Are you okay?"

"I guess."

"What do you mean, you guess?" James asked, sitting on a stair.

"I'd be lying if I said I was happy, Potter," Severus replied, and he started putting some of the vials from the sink into one cabinet. Lily just leaned against the arm of the couch.

"Look, about the Order meeting the other night," Lily said, "I didn't like how Dumbledore looked, Severus."

"Why not? I didn't see his face before I left," Severus said. He wasn't looking at either of them. James was tempted to help him clean the first floor, just so he didn't have to worry about it. He noticed how Severus kept inching piles of things into neater stacks; how he kept wiping the dust off things with his sleeve; and how he slowly kept putting things into cabinets or drawers or under things.

"He looked like he was plotting something," James said, and he stood up. He picked up the glass shards at the base of the staircase, and threw them out in the bin that was by the table in the kitchen. "It looked suspicious."

"What does that have to do with me?" Severus asked, finally looking James in the face. James could see in his eyes that he was tired. His eyes reminded him of dark tunnels. Even though they were dark and looked dangerous, they were sad. But there was a glint-a small glint-of hope somewhere. In that one moment, James realized three things at the same time.

One, Severus Snape was _trying_. He was _trying_ to survive, and he never seemed to stop trying. He hadn't broken down completely yet, which seemed to be a miracle in itself. How had he stood all of that? Seven years worth of relentless bullying, probably worse things happening at home, considering the state of his house and the town, and now with Voldemort. He was really trying.

Two, James knew he had to help him in some way. He had to. James had enough of doing nothing, and he had enough of making matters worse, too.

Three, James wondered, completely randomly, if he still had the letters.

"James, explain the plan," Lily piped up from the couch.

"What plan?" Severus asked, looking down again. James began to explain how they thought Dumbledore might act. Lily helped too, and she started talking about the first part of the plan.

* * *

Severus decided that their plan was ridiculous. Their ideas were to either create a different Order, or somehow keep him away from Order meetings.

"That would never work, either of those." Severus said.

"Why not?" James asked.

"Because, for the first plan, who do you have to lead you? Every movement needs a leader. If not, you're just rioting. Or, making a fool of yourselves and getting yourselves killed. And as for the second plan, I want to be a part of something good for once. I don't care what danger it puts me in."

"Severus," James said, leaning against the kitchen table, "You have to listen to us. Look, we'd keep you updated about what's happening in the Order, just don't attend the meetings often. That way Dumbledore can't get information out of you-look- _listen_."

"Potter. James. As much as it flatters me that you care about my well-being all of a sudden, but wouldn't Dumbledore be angry that there's a separate Order? Wouldn't he see it as an act of defiance?"

"Severus, the aim is that Dumbledore would see sense. I don't think he would go completely berserk," Lily said, moving from the arm of the couch to sit on the kitchen counter. "The aim is that he'd think our reason is better than his for doing this."

"And what might that reason be? Wouldn't he see that as betrayal? To go behind his back and create another association? Wouldn't he get angry?"

* * *

James was shocked at how calm Severus was being while saying this. Dumbledore certainly wouldn't have much of a grudge against them, he would probably be slightly disappointed like most adults are when their children or whoever they look after goes behind their back. However, James was sickened at the thought that someone as young as them had thoughts that anger and punishment were everywhere, and that those things stemmed from everyone.

Of course, James wasn't the smartest one in the room, nor did he know the most, but he was observant. He noticed how Dumbledore didn't quite care about the outcome of Severus Snape's life, nor did Dumbledore say directly what Voldemort was after. But James did know one thing: Dumbledore wasn't in this war for providing for the future, for making a future-he was in it for the past; resolving it, finishing it. He wasn't in it for new beginnings like Lily, him and Snape were, he was in it for endings. In all honesty, James couldn't blame Dumbledore for staying in the past about these matters. Lily said that Voldemort was at school while Dumbledore was a teacher, not a headmaster, because she had somehow found an old yearbook and got information from somewhere James didn't know about.

What James didn't understand about this whole situation was Voldemort's reasons for starting all of these problems. Yes, it was to eliminate muggle-borns and on a larger scale, muggles too, but James didn't see why. Voldemort's reasons were true, that muggles posed a possible danger, but he was going about this the wrong way. Instead of making this into a political war, which he should have done, he made himself into a part man, part snake, and turned this into something twisted and cruel. Not that politics weren't either of those things, but at least they'd know which people to avoid through seeing those who publicly follow him.

* * *

Lily was trying her best to maintain her calm, cool, and collected face. She tried not to be tough on Severus and _force_ him to see reason. She knew that would do no good, she knew he was stubborn, and she knew he wasn't going to tolerate it. Even though he had a steely outside, Lily knew that he really didn't go through with his threats; Lily knew he didn't want to hurt others as others have hurt him. She knew that his personality was very flawed, he didn't know how to socialize, and he was too isolated. She knew he was a Death Eater now, but she also knew he wasn't a believer of any of their codes. Lily knew Severus Snape was a person of contradiction.

She didn't remember where it started to go wrong, their friendship. All she remembered was that Severus was beginning to become _too_ interested in dark magic, and that he was becoming _too_ attached to his house members. That bothered her. She knew that the bullying was growing worse, and so was his interest in the dark arts. Lily knew Severus was becoming more and more of a negative in her life, rather than the positive she thought he once was. Even though she tried her best not to be, Lily was worried.

* * *

 **Sorry everyone, I couldn't really figure out a good way to end this chapter, but I've been stuck on it for days. I've already written the ending of this story, plus part of the chapter before the ending. I'll probably be working sort of backwards from now on, so yeah.**


	9. Chapter 8-Letters

**Hey readers! I also finished Merlin fairly recently, and my heart has been torn into pieces. This is quite a short author's note, so have a nice read and a nice day! Also, everyone should seriously watch Reign. It's so great ahh**

 **P.S: Hailee Steinfeld is great.**

 **P.P.S: THIS IS MY LONGEST CHAPTER YET! IT COMES IN AT 3,170 WORDS! -Gabriel**

* * *

Chapter 8: Letters

 _I can't take it,_  
 _From the day I saw my heart start breaking_  
 _No one saved me,_  
 _I can't take it, can't believe I really lost you baby,_  
 _Earth keeps shaking all around,_  
 _Oh, you let me down_  
 _I can't take it_  
 _From the day I saw my heart start breaking,_  
 _No one saved me_

 _-Ryn Weaver, "Octahate"_

* * *

James Potter lay in bed that night, unable to sleep, and unable to get Severus's eyes out of his mind. He thought of Severus's house, the ramshackle looking place, and the sort of odd way James found it strangely cozy, despite its obvious problems. He thought of how Severus sneakily moved the random objects into neater piles, and he wondered if he had always been that careful. He thought about how his hair was tied back- _tied back_ \- and how it was never like that in school. James liked it that way. He thought of how his voice sounded. He couldn't quite stop thinking.

Then, he thought of the letters.

James had a pillowcase full of letters in his closet, but he hadn't looked at them in close to two years. He didn't remember any details of what the earlier ones said, but the last few stuck out in his mind. He had been the one to write the goodbye letter, and the one to receive the hello. He doubted Severus kept his, he probably burned them all. James sat up, and turned on the bedside lamp. He slid out of bed, and walked over to the closet, reaching to the back. He finally found the pillowcase, and he took it back over to his bed, and he spilled all of the letters out onto his bed. He sat back down, and he started going through them.

He shuffled through the bunch-he noticed it was about a year's worth of letters. He sorted them out first, according to date. They were all in their original envelopes, with the dates marked on them. He thanked his past self for thinking of doing that. He opened the first one, and began reading. It was the hello letter.

 _Potter,_

 _Yes, I realize I'm your enemy, and that you hate me, but hear me out. This is hard enough to say as it is, and I can barely write this. I'm probably out of my mind. One question has been in my thoughts quite a lot recently. Where you actually interested in what I had to say about potions? Remember, the day you sat next to me and I was mumbling to myself about how the book instructions were wrong? You asked questions about it, and I was wondering if you truly were interested. I don't know if that was some prank of yours, or something, but still. If you were actually, you know, willing to learn about it...I could perhaps talk to you about it. I don't know how that would work, because I highly doubt you'd want to be seen with me, but I'd be willing to try if you were. I'm rambling, aren't I. Well, I hope you're doing...well...and it would be nice if you could reply to my letter. Thank you._

 _-S. Snape_

It was short, but it was the first. James remembered his response. It was something along the lines of, "Are you asking me on a date, Snape?" with his named signed at the bottom. James opened the next letter, and it contained only one sentence.

 _My offer still stands._

James remembered feeling flustered at that, and spending hours trying to figure out whether he should say yes or no. He wrote back with a shaky yes, and that was how things began in sixth year. They met up in secret constantly (having a magical map and an invisibility cloak helped with that), and if it were possible, wrote to each other even more. It was a struggle to keep the other Gryffindors from noticing, and he imagined it was equally as difficult in Slytherin. James opened the next one, and remembered immediately what happened in it. It was the first letter, after their "talk", that he called him James. Sure, it was right after they just actually spoke civilly, but they sort of immediately clicked. The letter said:

 _James,_

 _Is it alright if I call you James? I mean, I know we just had our first real conversation (that didn't end in someone bleeding somewhere), but I wanted to try it. You can call me Severus, if you were going to ask in your letter. Anyway, since we don't exactly know each other...mind telling me a few things about you? I'll ask you a few questions, and you could do the same? I'll try not to ask too stereotypical questions, but there are a few I can't ignore._

 _What's your favorite color? Favorite type of music? Favorite food?_

 _And now I'll ask some random questions: Do you get along with your family? And, if you were able to change one thing about your life so far, what would it be?_

 _That's all I can think of for now. If you ask questions back, I'll answer them next letter. I suppose I'll see you in class._

 _-Severus_

It had also been the first letter he signed with "Severus". James vaguely remembered his answers to his questions, which were most likely gold, he couldn't choose just one type of music, and his favorite food was probably any of the desserts at Hogwarts. As for the getting along with his family question, he remembered his answer clearly; it was along the lines of 'Yes, of course I do, they're my family. They care about me, even though sometimes they don't show it.' He remembered it so clearly because it was so drastically different than Severus's answer. If he were able to change one thing about his life, he wrote that he would change their meeting, so they would've gotten off on the right foot. If only Sirius didn't say that thing about Slytherin...

In the next letter Severus sent, he answered the same ones James did (since James couldn't think of anything new). It read:

 _James,_

 _My favorite color is (how surprising, you would never guess) black. I like rock music, and classical too. It's hard to find a specific genre of music I like the most, since I like mostly everything. I'd say my favorite food would be the steak from here. It's very nice most days. No, I don't get along with my family at all. I do not care to elaborate much on it right now, but maybe someday I'll tell you. If I were able to change one thing about my life, it would be calling Lily that word. I regret it every day, really. She won't accept any of my apologies, and she told me to leave her alone (for what sounded to be an understood "the rest of your life"). It's my biggest regret to this day. I didn't realize what I was saying. I was being choked with soap minutes before, I had to save face somehow. I wasn't thinking, and I wish she could understand that. I don't hold you accountable, though. It's my fault I said it in the first place, anyway._

 _I'm rambling again, aren't I?_

 _See you in class._

 _-Severus_

As James re-read the letter, a knot formed in his stomach. He _should_ have been held accountable for it, though. It was his fault that he had to save face at all. James knew he was the reason Lily and Severus's friendship had ended, he _knew it_ , but he stayed in denial for so long. It was only after it was too late that he finally admitted it to himself. He started to figure out a lot of things about himself and realize what he did to Severus made an impact. It made _such_ an impact. Then, James noticed something. Severus never told him why he didn't agree with his family. Where were they now? They weren't living with him, were they somewhere else? Maybe he should ask...

James opened letter after letter, laughing at some of them, and growing upset at a few. He never liked the ones that contained the words "I do not care to elaborate on it right now" because James could feel it meant it was something bad. He made a mental note every time he saw one of those to ask him about them next time he saw him (because as it turns out, he never elaborated on _any_ of the topics). James loved reading the ones where Severus would make the letters almost two pages long ("rambling" as Severus kept calling it), because he knew Severus was breaking out of the usual, one paragraph mold he had. James noticed also that Severus always sounded so proper in his letters (he barely ever used contractions. James found it weird at first, but he saw everything sort of flowed more when he did it). And, James couldn't get over his spiky handwriting. It was sort of gothic, in a way, but James wasn't exactly sure how.

It was almost three in the morning when James finally finished reading all of them. His eyes burned slightly, because he didn't pause often between letters. The knot in his stomach that had gone away hours ago was back, because he had just read the letter before the goodbye. Severus after James's letter...he seemed so expectant of it. It had hurt James more than he could say to see Severus just revert back to his old self. During their...thing...Severus had seemed to brighten up, even if only slightly. He noticed that Severus stood a little straighter, walked a little confidently, and that he even _smiled_ more. He hadn't known what Severus's smile looked like before, but when he did see it one day, when Slytherin had a clear victory over Gryffindor in quidditch that _one_ time, he saw him actually smile. James wasn't about to say it was something cheesy, like the sun just rising over the horizon. It was more like...James going in for a nose dive to try and get the quaffle from the other team, and almost heading straight for the ground; that exhilarating feeling. It had made James smile, too, because he knew how miserable Severus looked from day to day.

James then fell asleep to the memory of that smile, and his new goal to see it again.

* * *

Severus couldn't sleep. It wasn't the nightmares keeping him up, it was the sight of James. Sure, they had just seen each other fairly recently, but this time it was different. Severus noticed at how James discretely helped him by throwing out the glass shards he missed, without questioning them. He noticed at how his glasses lenses were shiny like always, looking new. He noticed that James had grown to be slightly taller than him. He thought about how James's voice sounded. He thought about James's hair-for god's _sake_ , did he not own a comb?- and how messy it was, just like at school. He couldn't quite stop noticing things.

Severus knew sleeping wasn't going to come soon, so he sat up in bed and turned on the lamp. He then remembered the letters.

Even though he read them over recently, he knew he had just put them away in the box, but it wouldn't hurt to take them out again and re-read them. Maybe reading them would help him fall asleep, Severus thought, but he knew it would most likely be the opposite. He went and took out the box from the attic, and went back to his room. He took the tape off once more, and he poured them out onto his bed. The same one hundred letters. His father had burned the ones closer to the goodbye ones, because Severus knew those were the ones with the most feeling in them. He had managed to salvage one from the fire one day, and to this day, it was his favorite. Severus started from the beginning, with James Potter's shaky yes.

His handwriting was messy, but Severus kind of liked it that way. Severus got to the one answering the questions he asked the first time around.

 _Severus,_

 _My favorite color is gold (as if you wouldn't have already guessed.) I can't choose just one type of music, I like it all really. Whatever's good is fine for me. I'm not very particular about anything. My favorite food would probably be any of the desserts from here, since they're all so good. (Again, not really particular). I do get on with my family, since they care about me. Sure, they might not show it exactly how I'd picture it, but they care, and that's all that matters. If I had to change one thing about my life so far, it'd be when I met you, I think. I'm really sorry about the way things turned out. I know sorry won't change much, but I'd just like you to know. I would change it so that we get off on the right foot that time, and that we could be friends way earlier on. I think that's it for now, so see you in class._

 _-James_

Severus smiled to himself. It made him happier knowing that the one thing he would change is their first encounter. He didn't remember his own answer exactly, but it probably was about _that_ day in fifth year. Severus moved on to the others, and this time, instead of feeling his heart dropping with each page, he found himself becoming calmer. He finally got to his favorite letter. One corner of the page was missing, and one entire edge of the paper was charred slightly. He could still read what was there, though, so that was alright. He almost memorized the letter by heart, months ago. He barely remembered what it said now. The letter read:

 _Severus,_

 _I'm not sure how to word this, but I'm going to be really upfront about it, if that's okay. I think...I think I like you. More than a friend, I mean. Sorry I'm so awkward with this, and that my writing's messy, I'm actually shaking while writing this. Also, sorry if this sort of startles you. I don't mean to give you a heart attack with this. No, this isn't a prank, and nobody put me up to this either. They still don't know about this whole letter thing, or the meeting up thing. What is this thing, by the way? I made this decision on my own, and let me tell you, it took a long time to get used to. I would have never considered this as a possibility, but here it is. I'm not going to force you to feel the same way or anything, or pressure you, or whatever. It's alright if you don't feel the same, I understand. I've bullied you for five years, almost six. I don't expect anything to happen, but if it does, trust me, if you could somehow tell I'd be smiling if you wrote me back with the answer I'd love hearing, then you'd definitely tell. Don't stress yourself out over this, because I can tell you will. Are you pacing? Stop pacing. Seriously, sit down! I know you're pacing! See you soon-ish, right?_

 _-James_

Severus was in fact, pacing at the moment while he was reading that letter. After reading the first few words, Severus remembered the feeling of immense anxiety. He thought James was going to tell him something terrible, that he didn't want to be his friend anymore, or that they had to stop this. It was the exact opposite. Severus remembered feeling as though all his prayers had been suddenly answered. It was similar to the moment when you finally have your turn in line. It was exactly like the moment it stopped raining and the sun shone through and the puddles started drying up. It was the greatest day in his life.

Severus avoided the goodbye one, just for the purposes of not ruining his good mood. He put the letters back into the box, but he didn't seal it. He put the lid on the box and laid back down, smiling up at the ceiling as he fell asleep.

* * *

Lily Evans stared up at her ceiling. She couldn't fall asleep. She noticed the way James looked at Severus. She heard the way James spoke to him. It was as if James suddenly got slightly gentler, even though nobody would quite tell, but it was there. She knew that look, and that voice. She had seen it all before. It was only a matter of time before James and Severus reconciled and got back together. Lily knew they had a thing in sixth year, she knew they were secretly seeing each other. Unlike her other classmates, she saw the stolen glances in their shared classes and at meals. She noticed that whenever either guy got the chance, they'd brush each others' arm or their side. She wasn't oblivious.

She could also tell when James didn't love her, or even remotely have a crush on her. She could tell, and she planned to break it off before it was too late. She had to admit, she knew her spark was long gone as well, so she couldn't blame James much. She just hoped James wouldn't break Severus completely.

Lily knew that her not forgiving him took a large toll, and she didn't plan on that happening again. She would have to write to him and talk to him sometime, and discuss things. Things wouldn't be the same as they once were between them, but maybe they could be. Lily had no letters to look at, so she just drifted off, thinking of her plans and how she'd execute them.


	10. Chapter 9-In Harm's Way

**Hey, this is editing me, and I totally forgot to replace this chapter with its title. Hah -Gabriel**

* * *

Chapter 9: In Harm's Way

 _And I wanna come home to you_

 _But home is just a room full of my safest sounds_

 _Cause you know that I can't trust myself with my 3AM shadow_

 _I'd rather fuel a fantasy than deal with this alone_

 _I wanna sleep next to you_

 _But that's all I wanna do right now_

 _So come over now and talk me down_

-Troye Sivan, "Talk Me Down"

Several weeks later, around the end of August, there was an Order meeting going on. Severus was there, along with James, and everyone else who frequented the meetings. There were also some others who didn't come as often, and Severus hadn't learned their names yet. He was familiarizing himself with everyone there, and he was beginning to tell himself they were getting used to him too. It was about halfway through the meeting. They had been discussing strategies to keep the students entering Hogwarts in September safe, along with keeping the graduating class safe. Dumbledore was talking with Kingsley about strengthening the wards, and one of Severus's past teachers, Minerva McGonagall, was helping them with some of the details of the spellwork. Everything was going quite swimmingly, if Severus could say so himself, when his left arm began burning.

It didn't start out as a prick, or a slight itch, but it was a full on burn, as if Severus had somehow dunked his arm in boiling hot water. He let out sort of a strangled noise, as though he was a cat that was accidentally kicked in the side. Everyone around him turned their head, and he stood up, shaking slightly. He had to go, and he couldn't be late. The burning got more intense, and Severus almost couldn't feel his arm anymore. He started to leave, and then as he was just walking out the door, he heard two words that would keep him together for the rest of the night:

James Potter's _Good luck_.

He knew luck probably wouldn't help him, but to James Potter, you could never really be sure. At this point, if he could, James would give Severus all of the Felix Felicis in the world, because he deserved it. More than half the people remaining at the table looked completely unfazed, and it set alight a spark in James. How could they be so nonchalant about this? How could they just brush this off as normal? It was one of the once-in-a-blue-moon occasions that Severus disappeared in the middle of an Order meeting, because the Death Eater get-togethers barely collided with the Order ones. James knew Severus would either come back to this meeting looking like a wreck, or he would go home and probably pass out. James had seen him once, or maybe twice, after a Death Eater meeting, and it was never good. With the Order succeeding recently, there couldn't have been much good news to spread around the Death Eater's table.

James silently grew angry at the people surrounding him, because they did nothing to help Severus. They were adults with the power to do so, and yet they chose to turn a blind eye towards it. That's what made him speak up.

"Isn't anyone going to be by the door?"

"What?" Sirius asked, genuinely confused. James had recently begun explaining Severus's entire situation to Sirius, and he was becoming more open-minded towards Severus as of late. He was starting to realize what an impact their bullying had made on him. Remus was there for some of it, and James could tell it deeply upset him. Remus looked horrified, and had to leave the room once. He later explained he was horrified because he knew it was because he didn't do anything to help Severus, and it was mostly his fault for allowing the bullying to continue.

There were a lot of things admitted that night.

"Isn't anyone going to watch the door for him?" James repeated.

"Why?" One lady piped up from a corner. James was mostly sure her name was Dorcas Meadowes.

"Well, what if he's hurt? You know what You-Know-Who can do, what if he's almost dying?" James was trying to be more and more insisting. After trying to convince some of the members of the Order, James stood up and decided to do it himself. "If no one's going to do it, I will." He walked out of the room, and pulled up a chair by the front door. If Severus didn't return by one in the morning, then James would leave and check his house. If he wasn't there either, well…

Nevertheless, James tried to not worry himself too much. He focused on catching bits and pieces of the conversation that the Order was having, but it was mostly talk about the incoming students. There wasn't much that concerned James. After most of the conversation died down and it turned to how the members' families were doing, James stared out of the window of the door, and tried naming the stars he could see. He tried doing everything to keep his mind off of Severus and what could have possibly been happening to him. James started listing spells off the top of his head, and cleaned his glasses on his shirt too many times for him to count.

Hours passed, and James refused both Sirius and Remus's offers to sit there for a while to let James sleep. If Severus wasn't getting any sleep, James wouldn't either. James accioed several books and stayed there, watching.

He was on his third book when Severus nearly crashed through the door. James was sitting on the stairs, careful not to knock his tea over, and immediately got up when he heard someone on the doorstep. He helped Severus through, and sat him down on the chair James had abandoned hours ago. He put his book down, and went back over to Severus.

"Severus? Are you alright? Can you hear me?" James held Severus's arms carefully, and brushed his hair aside slightly so he could see his face. Severus was a deadly sort of pale, more pale than James had ever seen him. He was shaking a lot, and he wasn't responding. James put the back of his hand against Severus's forehead, and noticed that it felt cold. "Heat, heat, heat..." James muttered to himself. Then, he got Severus up out of the chair, and into his arms. He lead him up the stairs (mindful of the tea) and got him to a guest bedroom in the Headquarters. He noticed Severus stopped shaking a little, and he helped him up onto the bed.

"Severus, are you alright?" Severus nodded-at least James was making slight progress. His mind was racing-what could You-Know-Who have done to him? "Will you be okay if I go downstairs and make you tea? Is that alright? Should I get Sirius or Remus to stay in here with you?" James knew he was talking fast, but he had to get everything out. He wanted to make sure Severus was at least better by morning.

"Yes...Lupin can...he can stay in here..." James went across the hall, and went straight into Remus and Sirius's room. When he entered, Remus sat up quickly at the noise.

"Oh, Prongs." Remus suddenly realized what must have been the reason James was still awake, and immediately asked, "Is he here?"

"Yeah, he just got in...he's in a really bad state, I've never seen him like this before. Can you stay with him a bit while I get him tea?"

"Of course," Remus replied, and he went into Severus's temporary room while James went downstairs.

Severus didn't know what he was feeling. He was cold, almost like ice, but there was a few moments of warmth. He felt James's arms around him, but he wasn't quite sure how long ago that was. Severus tried to keep any coherent thoughts together, but it was getting harder and harder the more tired he got. He was mentally and physically exhausted, as if he hadn't slept for two weeks. He heard people talking, the low rumbling of voices, but he couldn't make out distinct words. After a while, he could, but only James's voice really got through to him.

"Will you be okay if I go downstairs and make you tea? Is that alright? Should I get Sirius or Remus to stay in here with you?"

Severus wanted to answer in a normal, full-fledged sentence, and maybe throw in an insult towards Black, but he could only get out a few words before becoming too tired to continue. "Yes...Lupin can...he can stay in here..." Severus didn't want to hear about how bad his life decisions were (honestly, now that they got on slightly better terms, Black turned into a mother hen with the constant nagging) and he just wanted to be alone. Alone, but with James. He was sure that that made sense somehow. He heard Lupin enter the room, and someone, probably James, go down the stairs.

"God damn it," Remus said, "What the hell did he do to you?" Severus didn't answer-he would if he could. It was almost a complicated story to tell. "You know," Remus continued, "You've turned James into a right sap. I hope you know that. He stayed up _all_ night sitting at that door for you."

He did?

"James won't be happy about this. Sirius and I will probably have to hold him back before he goes hunting down You-Know-Who so he could skin him."

If Severus could have paid money to see the Dark Lord being skinned alive, he'd have gladly paid the money.

"You know? Sirius and I are placing our bets now, to get them in early. I'm giving you a month before you two get together, you and James. Sirius gives you a week."

If Severus could laugh, he would. He would also probably tell Remus it wasn't like that, and James and him wouldn't ever end up together, not after sixth through almost all of seventh year. Their lives were too tangled, it was a mess.

"And don't try denying it, either. James has become a _wreck_ lately. Any time we're having a conversation, you know what he always comments? He says, 'I wonder what Severus would think, or say, or do about this or that.' It's terrible, it's as though he's a fifth year student again." Remus said.

Severus didn't know how to respond to that. He had no idea that he made an impact on James-he didn't even do much. He wondered if anyone noticed how Severus acted around James. He tried being discrete about his feelings towards him, but around James...he just couldn't. He found it hard to act normally around him. Since he graduated, he had gotten better at being smoother and less twitchy, but around James it somehow took a different turn and he was a complete nervous wreck.

Soon, James returned with the promised tea, and Remus left. "Whatever he said," James said, "I'm sure he was only joking." By then, Severus had mustered enough strength to talk for a bit, so he replied, "He said you were acting like a wreck whenever I'm not around." Severus slowly drank his tea, and he tried sitting up a little more.

"Did he?"

"Apparently," Severus said in a quieter tone. He knew he shouldn't have mentioned it. Of course it probably wasn't true, this wasn't sixth year anymore. They were in the middle of a war, and he had Lily...Lily. He had Lily, she was his girlfriend, and she was brilliant. Severus and Lily had started rebuilding their friendship, and it was going well. She was like the sun shining, so why would James leave the sun for the moon? Severus didn't have a chance. He just looked down into his tea cup, and didn't elaborate.

"He wasn't wrong."

James noticed how uncomfortable Severus had become. James knew exactly what he must have been thinking: Remus was joking or lying. Severus thought that it wasn't true, when in all honesty, it was an understatement. James knew that he past the point of no return a while ago, even though he had no idea of Severus's feelings. He _knew_ Severus didn't think he was enough, though, and he knew it was a make-or-break moment.

"He wasn't wrong."

He had to reassure him somehow. James wasn't going to let this go, not again.

"He wasn't wrong, Severus. I did sit at the door all night waiting for you, if he told you that, and I _am_ a complete wreck when you're not around. These past few weeks since you've sort of made a return after graduation...they've...sort of been eye opening. Ever since that day in the bathroom, it has, really. You have to believe me on this. I've been a mess, all because of you."

The last few weeks went through his mind, with Severus officially joining the Order, then having re-introductions to the Marauders...he remembered it as though it was yesterday (despite it being not that long ago, it felt like it had been years).

 _August 2nd_

 _Severus had just been inducted into the Order of the Phoenix, and it was significantly less stressing (and, less harmful) than his Death Eater initiation. It was just a simple vow he had to make, and that was all. He left the room directly afterwards, tuning out everyone's applause. Everything sort of reminded him of that fateful day, a month ago. Everyone's sickening applause when they congratulated him on becoming a Death Eater paralleled this moment too much. How could he belong to two organizations at once? It was almost as though he was in_ Romeo and Juliet _, between two feuding groups and caught up in the middle._

 _Would his death be the only result?_

 _Suddenly, he heard people enter the room he was in. He turned, and he saw the Marauders. He had to stop himself from rolling his eyes."What do you four want?" James walked over, and held out his hand._

 _"I'm James Potter," he said. "Gryffindor house, just graduated Hogwarts."_

 _"Potter, I know that."_

 _"Just go with it."_

 _"Fine. I'm Severus Snape, Slytherin house. Also just graduated Hogwarts." Severus shook his hand._

 _"Nice to meet you, Severus Snape. These are my three friends," James said, gesturing towards the other Marauders._

 _"I'm Remus Lupin," Remus said, going over and holding out his hand, "I'm a Gryffindor as well, just graduated Hogwarts, and I'm a werewolf. Hope that isn't a problem."_

 _"I don't think it will be," Severus said, shaking his hand._

 _"Peter Pettigrew," Peter said, and they shook hands. Sirius was the most reluctant and the last one to step up._

 _"Sirius Black," he said, and he held out his hand. Severus hesitated a minute, but shook it was the beginning to something much better, even though Severus didn't know it at the time._

"He wasn't...he wasn't lying?" Severus asked slowly, and put his tea down. There was no way. It had to be some sort of joke, some sort of prank. There was no way that James could possibly reciprocate at all. "He was telling the truth?"

"Completely," James replied. But for some reason, Severus didn't believe him. He wanted to believe him-he wanted to _so badly_ , but something in him was preventing him from doing so. He wasn't like Lily or anyone else that James had ever been with, Severus wasn't….he wasn't _for_ James. Severus didn't think he was for anyone. He wasn't supposed to get this, he didn't deserve this.

"But...you have Lily. I'm not...I don't…." Severus struggled to continue, because not only did he have a hard time explaining what he was trying to say, but because he was struggling to keep enough strength to continue without running out of breath.

"Severus, we can talk about this tomorrow, you need to rest," James said, going over. "Try to sleep." James took the cup of tea and started leaving the room.

Severus managed to get out one word before he passed out. "Stay…"

James heard "Stay" before complete silence. James guessed that he probably passed out, but he went back in anyway. He put the tea back on the nightstand, and was about to sit down when he realized the room didn't have a chair in it. James sighed, and just sat on the edge of the bed. He turned the light out, and stayed put for a while.

James, after a while, ended up watching him sleep. Contrary to what James thought, Severus wasn't as peaceful when he slept. He tossed and turned and was just as twitchy. James's mood was brought down considerably when he realized that Severus wasn't able to actually relax. James frowned, and decided to go a little closer to him.

James kept watching him until he felt his eyes burning and he couldn't stay up for much longer. He didn't want to leave Severus alone, because, what if he woke up? James just decided to stay where he was (it was better to have Severus wake up and have James there than having him wake up and James be sleeping somewhere else.) James ended up sleeping sprawled across most of the bed, with one arm over Severus's leg and a leg over the side of the bed.

"Remus, fork it over," Sirius said the next morning while both of them stood in the doorway to Severus's temporary room. "I _told_ you it'll be by the end of this week."

"Fine! Fine," Remus handed over the money. "Do you think they'd admit it to each other that they're both completely head over heels?"

"I highly doubt it," Sirius said, pocketing the coins. "I bet James would try to, but I don't think Snape would...understand."

"I don't think he would either. But we both know he feels the same way. Poor guy can't even keep his eyes off of James for more than ten minutes." Sirius and Remus laughed a bit, and both went downstairs for breakfast. They couldn't wait to tell James about this.

Severus woke with a start. He sat up quickly-or at least tried to-before making a pained noise because of the stinging in his chest. He couldn't properly sit up without feeling sore, so he lay back down before nearly having a heart attack.

James was laying across him.

Severus had to stop himself from going into full-fledged panic mode. There had to be a reason why James was _sleeping_ on top of him (or, basically was, he was on his legs), but Severus wasn't focusing on the logic part of the situation. All that was running through his head was: _Remus wasn't lying, Remus wasn't lying_ on repeat. Severus had no idea what to do in this situation.

He lifted his leg up slightly to see if James would at least stir, or roll over, but he didn't. Severus tried moving him, but he was too heavy.

"James," Severus hissed. " _James_." He didn't wake up at all. Severus sighed, out of ideas. Then, he saw Sirius and Remus passing by the slightly open bedroom door, and Severus shouted (as quietly as he could, of course) "You two! Get him off of me!"

Sirius and Remus entered, and they immediately burst into laughter. "Wow," Sirius said, going over.

"I knew James was forward, but I didn't realize he'd be _this_ forward," Remus said, at least looking slightly apologetic. He went over too, and helped Sirius pull James off of Severus so he'd be able to get up. "How are you, by the way? Can you get up and walk around?"

"No," Severus said, trying his best to not go beet-red. "I don't think so. I don't feel as exhausted, but I'm sore."

"What did they do to you, then?" Sirius asked.

"I...well...I was target practice, again...mostly, anyway. They were feeling particularly creative last night, I suppose," Severus said awkwardly. He didn't like talking about this.

"Target practice?" Sirius repeated, looking angry. "They use you as a _target_?"

"Sometimes…" Severus said uncomfortably. Black shouldn't be getting this angry over this, should he?

"I hate them, I really do," Sirius said, "I'm going to get you breakfast and a different tea." Sirius took the cup off the nightstand.

"Remus, stay here with him. Also, get James up. We're going to talk to Dumbledore after breakfast, because I swear to god, Severus Snape," Sirius said, "We are getting you out of those goddamn Death Eaters or there will be hell to pay." Sirius then left, and Severus could hear him nearly stomping down the stairs. Then he heard Sirius yelling ( _quite_ loudly), "ARE EGGS OKAY, SEVERUS? I DON'T KNOW YOUR FAVORITE _BREAKFAST_ , BUT THAT'S OKAY, SINCE NO ONE BOTHERED TO _MAKE_ IT ALREADY, I'LL DO IT!"

"Tell him eggs are fine," Severus said to Remus, who was holding back laughter.

"On it." Remus went out of the room for a second, leaned over the stairs' banister, and shouted back, "Eggs are perfectly fine! It's a good thing no one thought to get him breakfast earlier, or else he wouldn't be able to get these perfectly FINE eggs!"

Severus internally smiled. It was getting better and better every day it seemed. The more the Marauders stuck up for him, the more people around them started changing their attitudes, too. The older members started to stop giving him dirty looks in the hallways. The other students from their year who were in the Order sometimes went out of their way to talk to him. It was going better than Severus had ever thought.

Remus entered the room again, and pulled James off of the bed. "It's about time he wakes up and has breakfast too." When James hit the floor, he let out a mumbled 'oof' and woke up (finally). "Good job falling asleep on top of Severus, watch-dog." It took James a second to process the sentence, and he replied with "Oh!"

"Sorry, Severus," James said, getting up. "I didn't really...mean to…"

"It's alright…" Severus replied uneasily. He didn't know how to respond to James. What situation were they in? Where were they in their...relationship? Was it friendship still?

James seemed to notice his discomfort and said, "Remus, can you leave for a minute? He and I need to talk." Remus nodded and left, joining Sirius downstairs.

"Alright, Severus. I promised we'd talk about this today," James said, sitting back down on the bed.

"Why...do you keep...why are you a wreck when I'm not around? You have Lily, she's...I'm not her," Severus mumbled.

"No, you're not," James agreed, and said, "You're you. Don't compare yourself to Lily, alright? Lily and I...she realized that it wasn't working. We broke it off weeks ago, Severus." Severus looked at him, slightly astonished.

"You what?"

"We broke it off, we broke up," James said. "Severus, trust me, I don't like her that way, and she doesn't like me that way."

Severus took a few minutes to process this. James didn't have feelings for Lily anymore...because he had feelings for him. Was Severus the cause of their break up? Was Lily upset over it?

"I'll answer the questions that are probably going through your head right now," James said slowly, "You weren't the cause of our break up, no. I was, okay? It wasn't your fault. Lily wasn't upset about it either, and neither was I. You didn't cause anything to happen, it was me, I broke up with her. She said the feelings were mutual and we're staying friends, don't worry."

"Oh," Severus said. His first question wasn't answered, though. Why did James have feelings for him?

"Knut for your thoughts?" James said, moving to sit cross-legged on the bed.

"Why do you….why? Why me?" Severus asked. He hated how awkward he was being with James, but he couldn't get himself to stop. He wanted to easily believe every word James said, he wanted to be comfortable with him, but he just couldn't.

"I couldn't just brush you off, Severus. You're sort of like the wind. You turn up, even in the most unexpected places, like in the summer. Especially when you think the day's just going to be hot and uncomfortable forever, there's a tiny little breeze that turns up and saves you from becoming a melting ice-cream cone."

Severus almost laughed at that analogy. "I'm a tiny little breeze?"

"A tiny little breeze that will end up saving my ass. Look, Severus," James said seriously, "I like you a lot, okay? And if you need it, I'll remind you every single day, if you want."

"I'd...like that, I think," Severus said. And, as much as he struggled to admit it, he finally opened up slightly. "I...I like you a lot too."


	11. Chapter 10-Under Pressure

**This chapter was also edited! Nothing very major. -Gabriel**

Chapter 10: Under Pressure

 _Take a look around the room_  
 _Love comes wearing disguises_

 _How to go about and choose?_  
 _Break it down by shapes and sizes._  
 _I'm a man who's got a very specific taste,_  
 _And you're just my type!_

 _-Saint Motel, "My Type"_

* * *

After a while, Severus was able to walk around a little, and James managed to help him downstairs and into the kitchen, where the Order meeting was taking place. They were obviously late, and everyone sort of stared when they entered. Sirius, Remus, and Peter were already sitting down, and they had saved two seats. James helped Severus over to his seat, and sat down next to him. James saw Lily smile. It was as if she already knew of what they talked about earlier that morning.

"Severus, how convenient of you to join us," Dumbledore said, "What went on last night? Did Voldemort make any plans?" James saw Severus wince at Voldemort's name.

"No, sir," Severus mumbled. James could tell he didn't like being suddenly put on the spot like that. He never really did like attention.

"What did he talk of, then? If he didn't make any new plans, then what did he do?" Dumbledore pressed on. James grew slightly annoyed-didn't he see that Severus was visibly uncomfortable?

"He didn't talk of much, sir. I don't even think he was there." Severus muttered. James saw him wringing his hands under the table. James put his hand on Severus's wrist in sort of a way to let him know that Dumbledore wouldn't be angry if he didn't bring information. At least, that's what James was trying to convey.

"I think," James said, "We should stop this talk of new plans and focus on the ones he has now.

"I agree," Remus said, catching on. "What about the plan to target one of the Ministry departments? Weren't you discussing that last meeting, Headmaster? Has that been resolved?"

"Also," Sirius chimed in, "What about that whole deal with Inferi? Is he still trying to do that?"

Severus shot them and James a grateful glance, and James smiled.

"This is more urgent," Dumbledore replied, "Severus, when you were at the Death Eater meeting last night, who was present?" James saw Severus begin to tense. He knew he was uncomfortable with this from the start, and he was already tired from yesterday, and James could tell he really didn't want to be under interrogation.

"I couldn't see them very well, sir, because I was busy being tortured, sir," Severus replied with his teeth clenched. James tightened his grip on Severus's wrist, trying to calm him down. He really shouldn't be stressed out (James couldn't help but remembering the look on Severus's face when he was sleeping-the sign that he could never truly relax, not even in sleep).

"Tortured? Did he find out anything about-"

"This order? No," Severus's eyes flashed slightly, and James grew more worried. He shot Sirius and Remus a glance, and they looked equally as cautious as James.

"Anything of-"

"Professor Dumbledore, sir," Sirius cut in, "Didn't you say something about the wards? The wards on the...ah...this house? Didn't they need strengthening? Wasn't that today?" James put his other hand on Severus's other wrist, holding them together. He whispered for him to try and calm down, I know you're under stress, Severus, but please, and he waited to see what Dumbledore's response would be.

"I said they might need strengthening, Sirius, and the inspection is tomorrow," Dumbledore said calmly. "Severus, were there any new spells that they used? What did they do?"

* * *

Severus couldn't take it. Anxiety was bubbling up from the pit of his stomach, everything was a little bit too loud, and everyone in the room had their eyes on him. He hated it, and he needed to get out. James tried calming him down, which he appreciated, but it didn't do the job. The room was closing in around him, and Severus had to escape from the situation.

He had handled great pressures before (his OWL and NEWT exams, joining the Death Eaters, joining the Order, etcetera) but this, this ordinary moment was getting to him. He didn't like that everyone was looking at him, he didn't like that their lives depended on him. He didn't like telling them that their family was targeted next, even though it helped in the long run. He didn't like explaining the effects of newly crafted spells, because every time he did, he could feel the searing slashes or bouts of pain in his memory, even though it helped later on during battle. He hated holding everyone's lives in his hand, even though it was only for fifteen minutes.

He stood up, ignoring the soreness in his back and chest, and left the room as quickly as he could without stumbling. He went into the nearest bathroom, and shut the door, sitting against the wall. He tried clearing his mind, he tried Occlumency, but he was too overwhelmed to focus. He breathed in and out deeply, trying to tell himself that as long as he was in here, Dumbledore couldn't question him, the Death Eaters couldn't get him, and Voldemort's snake-like, preying eyes couldn't see him. He told himself that right out there was James, probably sticking up for him. He told himself that Sirius and Remus were there, acting like very concerned parents, keeping James from breaking Dumbledore's nose.

He told himself that out there was Lily, trying to be the peacemaker, and out there was Molly Weasley, shooting Dumbledore disapproving glances from across the table. Out there were his friends, his newly found friends, and one who possibly could be his boyfriend (Severus couldn't help but nearly grin at the thought), and out there were five people who'd defend him over anything.

He stared up at the ceiling, trying to get himself to focus on other things. He focused on how the eggs tasted this morning, how James's voice sounded when he first woke up, and how Lily's hair was tucked into one braid. He focused himself on how disheveled Remus looked, at how there was always a quill tucked behind his ear at school; he focused on how James's hair always did the thing where no matter what he did to it, it would always spring right back up again.

He focused on being calm.

* * *

James Potter was trying hard to keep calm.

"Professor," James said, "Why did you have to keep questioning him?"

"It was vital to know the information he has," Dumbledore replied smoothly. "We needed to know-"

"But he was uncomfortable the whole time!" Sirius said, "He was just tortured last night, he couldn't even walk!"

"The boys have a point, Dumbledore," Molly Weasley spoke up, hushing the four. "You cannot keep pushing Severus this way. You did while he was in school, so I've heard, and you're doing it now. You treat him as though he's nothing but a tool to be utilized whenever you'd like. You treat him as though he isn't human! I'll have you know, even though we only spoke once or twice, Severus is the most human person I've ever known, Dumbledore. He's sad, and he's broken, and this Order has the potential to fix him!"

There was complete silence for a few minutes. Sirius, Remus, and James kept looking at each other, and glancing between Dumbledore and Molly. James felt the tension was so thick, he could probably cut it with a knife. He was glad Severus was wherever else, because he would be even more uncomfortable here.

"I see…" Dumbledore said, "I apologize then."

"We aren't the ones you have to apologize to," James said quietly. "I'll pass on the message, I don't think he'd want to come back here." James stood up and walked out of the kitchen. He saw the bathroom door being the only one closed, and opened it slowly.

"Severus? Are you alright?" James asked softly. He entered the bathroom, and found Severus sitting on the floor with his knees to his chest. James shut the door behind him and sat in front of him. "Severus?"

He looked up sort of slowly, and James saw that his shoulders weren't as tense anymore. "Severus, how are you?" James asked.

"Fine, I guess," Severus mumbled. James leaned forward slightly and took Severus's hands in his own.

"It's alright to not be okay, you know that, right?" James said gently, "You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but I'll listen regardless."

* * *

"I just...feel like Dumbledore...he hates me still, doesn't he?" Severus muttered. He was trying to not stutter and completely freak out (James's hands on his weren't very helpful, but then again, they were). "He didn't send you in here, did he?"

"No, I came in here by myself," James replied, "And he doesn't hate you. I just don't think he knows how to respond to you. You're a bit like a mystery, aren't you? You completely turn against the Death Eaters-one of the sole reasons being because you're tired. And then you become friends with us Marauders and then...this thing with me, which they don't know about, and then Molly Weasley is here treating you like a sixth son…"

"Really?" Severus's eyes brightened a little bit. She was sticking up for him too? She didn't mind him?

"Yeah, it's really great," James scooted closer to Severus. "Look, a lot of people like you here. Dumbledore was put on the spot for a good five minutes. He even apologized."

"He did?"

"He did. Right after Molly Weasley raked his arse through the mud for treating you like he does." Severus nearly smiled. Not really, but almost.

"Oh," Severus said, internally grinning. There was a silence for a few minutes while the two stared at each other. James had moved so that he sat next to Severus instead of in front, and they sort of gazed at each other for a while before James broke the silence.

"Do you want to go back there? It's alright if you don't."

"I think I'd...like to take a break for a while."

"Come on then, we'll make some tea and go upstairs until the meeting ends." James stood up, and helped Severus to his feet.

Both of them were definitely calmer.


	12. Chapter 11-Instant Regret

**Hey readers! I'm back after way too long. I did some renovations on earlier chapters, they'd say in the author's notes whether or not they were edited. I believe the only two I did serious work on were the prologue, chapter 2, and chapter 10. If you could go back and read those changes, it'd be super nice! I'd like to quickly thank those who have stuck with me and who have favorited/followed this story! It means a lot to see people still come and follow this story, even when they see the last updated date. Since the holidays just passed, I hope everyone here had an amazing Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, or any other holiday you celebrate! And as always, reviews are greatly appreciated. -Gabriel**

* * *

Chapter 11: Instant Regret

 _I look myself in the face_  
 _And whisper "I'm in the wrong place"_  
 _Is there more to lose than gain_  
 _If I go on my own again?_  
-Marina and the Diamonds, "The Outsider"

* * *

Just three days later, Severus had been Summoned again. It seemed like You-Know-Who was planning more intensely than ever now. James was constantly worried. Severus could barely walk three days ago, how would he hold up tonight?

Severus wondered the same thing as he tried his best to stride confidently into that night's meeting place. The place of choice was the house of Rudolphus Lestrange—Severus tended to avoid the Lestranges, especially Bellatrix. Severus walked into the large, formal dining room, and nearly had to stifle a gasp at what he saw on the table.

Severus had known it was going to get violent towards others sooner or later—or rather, that he would be a part of it, since he knew attacks on others were already happening long before he joined the Death Eaters. He knew he'd have to do something he'd regret eventually. However, he didn't know that that night would be now. The Dark Lord was nearly breathing down on his neck as Severus stared at the pleading muggle woman in front of him. Or at least, that's what it felt like, as the Dark Lord was across the room and nowhere behind Severus.

She looked horrifyingly like his dead mother—Severus had thought for a split second that maybe that was the point. Severus was trying his hardest—his Occlumency shields that grew stronger each day were up, effectively making him look emotionless. It didn't help that Severus was frozen in place. Occlumency couldn't block out the Dark Lord's piercing stare, nor that of the Death Eaters. Severus knew all eyes were on him.

It was wordless. Unspoken, really. He knew what he had to do without being told. Nobody would plead in such desperation to a teenager for anything other than their life. Nobody would look as though death was staring at them in the form of a just-graduated student if they weren't about to die. The Dark Lord didn't _need_ to say anything. The dark, invisible tendrils of his magic were enough to make Severus _think_ thoughts he never wanted to think, or would think on his own. It was the definition of intrusive, and this is how he knew his Occlumency was not yet strong enough.

As he muttered the fatal words, he felt everything in his mind crashing. He knew instantly what true regret was. He saw the muggle woman fall back-he didn't know her name, _no one told him her name_ —Nagini was approaching at a rapid speed. All the Death Eaters looked horrifyingly proud, how come none of the were sick; it was sickening—nameless— _sickening_!

Severus sat through the meeting, his head buzzing, nothing making sense. He killed someone, _of his own volition_ , the Dark Lord didn't even _say_ anything, he didn't order him to do anything. It was what he _felt_ and he did it, even though some part of him knew they weren't his feelings and they weren't his thoughts and it really wasn't of his own volition. It was a sort of Imperius curse without saying the words, but all Severus knew was that it was his fault this woman was dead. It was either him or her, and he didn't want to lose his life, not _now_.

This is what soul shattering felt like.

Choruses of "disgusting", "worthless", and the worst, the worst, in his father's voice, "You deserve this". Through all the buzzing, he wasn't listening to the voices surrounding him at the table, he was listening to these in his head. No matter how many times he tried to squash them with saying it was the pressure, he was forced, it didn't work. He couldn't own it, it wasn't his action, but the voices didn't think like that. He couldn't stop them, and he couldn't stop listening.

* * *

James heard it.

Severus had come into the house, and James had heard him before he saw him. The Marauders had stayed at Headquarters, thinking Severus would go there first. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter heard it the minute they stepped down the stairs and onto the landing to greet him.

It was the loudest, most gut-wrenching cry James had ever heard, and as he nearly crashed down the stairs trying to reach the door, he saw it came from Severus.

Severus was on his hands and knees on the floor, his body wracked with sobs. It was the first time the Marauders had ever actually seen him cry, despite nicknaming him "Snivellus" in school. James immediately ran to him, but Severus lashed out just as quickly.

"Don't-come-near-me!" James looked startled, and he suspected the other Marauders did as well. Severus then seemed to become too overwhelmed with emotions, because after that first sentence, all he could get out was what James thought was "monster" over and over.

The noise woke several other Order members, including Molly Weasley, who gasped at the sight once she reached the stairs.

James protectively blocked Severus from the other Order members' view; Remus and Peter were keeping them back. Sirius was watching Severus carefully.

"Severus, please, let me help you, please…" James pleaded. This entire thing was too terrible for too many words.

"No—don't…deserve…" Severus gasped, "Nameless…"

"Who's nameless?"

Severus just broke down more. James was at a loss. He knew Severus was too dangerous to let him alone; Lily told James of a time when Severus violently destroyed his bedroom after he and his father had a terrible fight. He knew Severus could be very self destructive if let go far enough, but nothing was every as bad as this—that James had heard about, anyway.

James had to be with Severus. He wasn't going to abandon him, not after the Death Eaters broke him so badly.

* * *

Everything was on fire. Everything was ice. He felt the stares of others on him again, just as slimy and skin-crawling as before, and through sobs, he pleaded, "Don't…look…at…me…" He heard James and Sirius both react loudly, and the eyes were no longer on him.

"Severus, it's just you and me now. Sirius is guarding the door, Remus is at the foot of the stairs, with Peter at the top landing. No one will get to you through me," James said slowly.

Severus felt the fire slowly begin to die, and the ice begin melting. James was coming into clearer focus. Severus lifted his head slightly, and black eyes met honey-brown ones. Severus tried conveying the awful thing he was pressured into doing, the guilt he felt, through his gaze, but was it enough? He could barely think straight anymore.

Nearly on the edge of delirium, Severus did something out of his character, he didn't think it was himself—and he moved forward, and clung to James like his life depended on it. He held onto him like Severus was on a sinking ship, and James was the only thing saving him from the cold depths of the water. It was as if James was the only person keeping Severus afloat in this life.

And in that moment, Severus let someone save him.

* * *

One minute, Severus was pushing James away, the next, James saw Severus cling onto him with everything he had. James slowly held Severus closer to him, and made sure that the other Marauders were still keeping their places. James and Severus stayed like that for neither knew how long.

* * *

Severus awoke with a start. The memories of the previous night came back to him immediately, crashing into his brain similar to lightning striking a tree. He sat up quickly, not noticing it wasn't yet morning. He also didn't notice James Potter slowly waking up beside him.

Severus was too tired to have another breakdown, so he just sat and stared into the darkness as he let his emotions consume him.

"Severus?" Severus nearly jumped out of his skin. He hadn't realized James was next to him in bed. How did he not notice? He tried replying, but he just didn't have the energy.

After a few moments of silence, James said, "It's okay, if, you know, can't talk, I already know. Lily told me you get like this sometimes—I'm rambling—but I didn't want to leave you alone, so here I am."

All Severus was able to do was reach out his hand. James didn't even hesitate, it seemed like, in taking it. They sat there in silence for a long time, staring into the darkness together. James was the one who broke the silence again.

"If I could, I would take all your pain away," he said softly. "All of it. Everything caused by me, everything caused by your parents, everything caused by the Death Eaters. I'd take it, and feel it for you."

Severus looked at him. His eyes had adjusted to the darkness enough that he could see a faint outline of James's face.

"I don't know what they had you do last night, and I won't ask you to tell me. You can tell me when you're ready to. But since no one else is going to do this, probably…" James paused and took in a breath. "I forgive you. I don't know what you did, but it hurt you so badly…I saw the remorse in you. I heard it when you cried. I forgive you."

That was enough to send Severus into silent tears. James was right, no one else was probably going to do that, and he never expected to hear it. James didn't even know the terrible act he had done, he didn't know what a monster Severus was, but he forgave him anyway.

The forgiveness was enough to give Severus a little strength.

"I felt…these…tendrils, these…webs…of dark magic," he said slowly, quietly. James was listening somewhat raptly. "It wasn't just any…dark magic, either…I knew it was the Dark Lord's, it had his…I don't know how to describe it. It had his…way…about it. The anger and vengeance was uniquely his. I felt those webs on my mind, I felt the tendrils poke and prod at me, edging me to do this….I…" He couldn't say it out loud.

"It was horrifying. Everyone's eyes were on me, they were vultures, waiting for some death to appear. I…there was a woman, on a table. I…"

"You don't have to continue," James cut in. "We have all the time in the world, you don't have to tell me today."

Severus glanced at him before turning his head forward. "I don't think I have all the time in the world anymore."

* * *

What the Snape boy had done that evening was at least up to par, the Dark Lord thought as he stood near the fireplace of the Lestrange house, lightly twirling a locket around his fingers. It was by no means admirable, nor was it anything he would ever be proud of. He wasn't proud of his followers for doing anything that minor. No, it wasn't an achievement, but it did show what could easily shatter the boy again.

Whenever someone new joined his ranks, Voldemort was sure to test them in a variety of ways to be sure they really _belonged_ there. Voldemort had been testing Severus Snape for weeks, and was no closer to figuring out his motives for joining the Death Eaters. At first, he assumed it was ambition, to rise up in the world, but when he saw the boy's deathly pallor at his new master's first entrance, he knew any ambition to rise up in this way broke.

He then assumed it was revenge. Revenge on his parents. Revenge upon his bullies at school, his long lost _Mudblood_ love. If it was truly revenge, though, Voldemort said to himself, he would have killed the woman from earlier that evening with no hesitation, with anger, even.

But tonight showed hesitation.

Voldemort did not _like_ hesitation within his ranks.

Of course, the boy was new. He needed to be shown the true ways of which the world around him worked. Voldemort looked into the open flames in the hearth.

He would train the boy himself. Create a spy, a sacrifice. He would contort Severus Snape's way of thinking so that all he thought was anger, vengeance, and hatred. He would fuel the fire that he already knew was kindling deep within.

He'd show him the way he was expected to be.

Severus Snape was young enough, pliable enough, still clay enough to be molded to fit any hand.

The Dark Lord, in that moment, wanted that hand to be his.

* * *

News of what occurred when Severus Snape returned to Headquarters that evening reached the ears of Albus Dumbledore uncommonly quickly. The boy was a wreck, in tears, Molly Weasley had said. He was in complete shambles, she said.

Albus Dumbledore stared out the window from his Headmaster's office.

Voldemort had undoubtedly made Severus do something he didn't want to do, and although no one was told what that was, Albus knew his reaction wasn't good. If Severus was going to make a good spy, vices could not get under his skin as they did tonight. Albus needed to make sure Severus knew that.

There were things at stake here, and if Albus wanted Severus to be useful enough to win this war, he couldn't show his emotions as wildly as he did tonight.

He had to teach the boy how to strengthen any Occlumency shields he might be using. He would definitely have to teach him other things as well, if he wanted him to become a spy one day.

Severus Snape was young enough, pliable enough, still clay enough to be molded to fit any hand, Albus Dumbledore thought.

And in that moment, Albus Dumbledore wanted that hand to be his.


	13. Chapter 12-Rising Revolution

**Hey readers! Woah, another update just a week from the last one? You _don't_ have to wait 6 months? How amazing! Here's Chapter 12, and I sincerely hope you all find my self-created ritual for creating a Horcrux cool, because I think it's the coolest thing I've ever written. This chapter is very much an "Other People" chapter, but don't worry, our favorite teens will be included! There are a lot of different points of views, but I've tried to make it all very linear. I hope none of this is confusing! -Gabriel**

* * *

Chapter 12: Rising Revolution

 _Turn out the lights, feed the fire  
'Til my soul breaks free  
My heart is high as the waves above me_

-Evanescence, "Secret Door"

* * *

The Dark Lord entered the dungeons of the Lestrange Manor, locking the door to the stairwell behind him with heavy charms. No one could interrupt him during this. Creating a Horcrux was an extremely delicate dance of the darkest kind, and one distraction could destroy everything.

The Lestrange Manor wasn't his first location of choice; somewhere much more open and secluded would have been better, but as the Wizarding world's Most Wanted to be Dead, he didn't have many options. A dungeon would have to do.

Voldemort cleared away the dust and random items that lay about the dungeons, and transfigured an old potions vial into a piece of white chalk. He had everything else he needed in the pockets of his robes.

He drew three concentric circles first. After those, he drew a line down the middle of the circles, and an "X" over the line. He made sure every line was of equal length and that they all reached outside the circles. He then placed Hufflepuff's Cup in the center of everything—the priceless object's gold hadn't lost its sheen in the years since he stole it from Hepzibah Smith.

There were six other items he needed for the ritual to be complete: three tokens of Death, as well as three tokens of Life. He took out the items, and laid them out at the ends of each line.

The first token of Death was placed at the Northernmost point, and it was a skull. This skull was one he pulled from his father's grave, as connection to the Master Soul would make the object, and therefore the ritual, more powerful.

The first token of Life was placed at the Southernmost point, directly across from its opposite token. It was a vial of pure water, taken from the ocean. Water was the essence of life and its existence was a cycle, just as everyone's life is a cycle.

The second token of Death was placed at the right of the first of Life, and it was to symbolize the _danse macabre,_ and it was the heart of a long-decayed corpse. This heart he took from Hepzibah's grave itself, since she was the victim whose murder he would call upon to create this Horcrux.

The second token of Life was placed at the right of the first of Death, and it was the feather of a phoenix. There was much trouble in getting this feather, but this feather was taken from Fawkes, Dumbledore's familiar, years ago, and it still had a lovely red-orange shine.

The third token of Death was placed at the left of the first of Life, and it was to symbolize the idea of _memento mori._ The Dark Lord knew that wizards and witches rarely used watches, so he had one of his own. It was a bronze pocket watch, its hands frozen at the exact time of Hepzibah Smith's death.

The third token of Life, placed at the left of the first of Death, was a small box. Within it held magic from Voldemort's own core, the smallest amount. He of course didn't want to give up too much, and only very little was necessary. Magic from the Master Soul was what tied the entire Horcrux to his being.

When all the preparation was complete, Voldemort entered the circle himself, holding the Cup with his non-dominant hand. He shut his eyes, and began the enchantments.

"I call upon the Winds of the North and East, Boreas and Eurus, tempered and ravenous, life bringing and refreshing. I call upon the summer fires and winter waters; I call upon the soil of the Earth, above which I stand," the Dark Lord said lowly. He felt magic rising around him.

"This deed I do recognize as unnatural, upsetting the natural circle of life," he said, and raised the Cup higher, "But I shall proceed with the given offerings necessary to deem my soul as tied to the immortality of this material object." The Cup floated out of his hand, resting mid-air in front of him. He opened his eyes, and picked up the skull in front of him.

"My first offering, the skull of my father, dust and ash of my ancestors," he held it up, "May it be deemed worthy for the extension of the existence of the Master Soul."

The skull disintegrated in his hands, the dust floating around him before hitting the Cup, melding with the outside of it. The Cup still had its sheen, but something dimmed it only slightly.

"My second offering, water of the sea, eternally the essence of mortal lives," he took the vial in his hand, opened the cork, and poured the water into the Cup, where it disappeared, running throughout the Cup itself. "May it be deemed worthy for the extension of the existence of the Master Soul."

"My third offering, the heart of Hepzibah Smith," he picked the heart up, "Owner of this Cup, whose death I have dedicated to this ritual. May it be deemed worthy for the extension of the existence of the Master Soul." The heart turned to ash in his hand, and he blew the ashes towards the Cup, where they, too, melded with the outside of it.

Magic was pulsing around him now, some of it his magic, and some of it the Wild Dark, only called upon during Dark rituals such as this. It wrapped around him in soft, stinging tendrils, drifted past his ears with smooth and sharp tunes of song. Half the ritual was complete.

"My fourth offering, the feather of a phoenix," he raised the feather up, "Feather of the familiar of the most powerful wizard of the Light, brother feather of the core of my wand. May it be deemed worthy for the extension of the existence of the Master Soul."

The feather turned to red-orange, glittery dust, so lovely one could not call it ash. It coated the exterior of the Cup before fading away, making the Cup shine of fire and gold.

"My fifth offering," the Dark Lord tried not to be distracted by the songs of the Wild Dark, which were growing louder and louder in his ears. "My fifth offering, the time of the ending of the life of Hepzibah Smith, frozen in the hands of this watch." He lifted the pocket watch by the chain. "May it be deemed worthy for the extension of the existence of the Master Soul."

The pocket watch, which had been frozen for over a decade, ticked again, restored to measure new life.

"My sixth offering," the Wild Dark roared around him now, and he could physically feel the wind it brought with it. Music sung sweetly in his ears, as if it knew what his next move was, begging for an addition of power. The Wild Dark wanted him to complete its symphony of rage, of power, of malice, of _wildness._ "Is magic of my core, product of my being, music of my soul. May it be deemed worthy for the extension of the existence of the Master Soul."

The box that contained a small fraction of his magic was lifted on its own, and opened by the silver-purple tendrils of the Wild Dark. It was consumed as quickly as it had been given, mere seconds.

The Wild Dark, after absorbing his magic, directed some of its own into the Cup. Magic shot in a direct line from the Cup straight into Voldemort's soul, and in that moment, pain.

His soul was being torn apart for the fifth time.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore knew immediately something was off. It was late evening when he felt it, the slightest disturbance in the natural order. Now, the friction grew, and it seemed to grow larger and larger. He was sure that other powerful wizards, though not as powerful as him, could feel the change.

The Wild Dark was being called upon.

There was only one other wizard or witch alive to call upon it so strongly and so quickly, and Dumbledore knew that Voldemort must have been doing something with it.

This disrupted his plans. Albus Dumbledore didn't _like_ when others disrupted his plans.

He laid out a book, opening it to the tabbed page. It was his book of everything he had to do; he called it the List of Lives. Every movement, every battle, every war, calculated and written down. This was exactly how the war was going to go, when it actually began. Profiles of everyone important, every figure, every chess piece on his board, was included within this book.

 _Another_ object laced with Wild Dark was _not_ in this book.

Scratching out a few variables and a battle, Dumbledore quilled in new versions of the old, accounting for the mystery object. There were few rituals that called upon the Wild Dark that people dared to use, and knowing that _Tom_ was one who walked off the beaten path often, it was most likely one of the ones no one would even utter a word of. That left many options open, and Dumbledore simply didn't have the time at the moment to try and figure it out. There was an Order meeting to attend to.

* * *

Before she had to leave for the meeting of the Order of the Phoenix that night, Minerva McGonagall was looking out of her window at her Head of Gryffindor House office. She never usually stayed at the school during the summer holidays, and was only here to begin setting her office up for the return of the school year in the following week, along with visiting Poppy Pomfrey, who was setting up the infirmary. Both women liked getting an early start.

Something had distracted her before she left, though. She was staring out of her window, searching for…something. She knew there was a difference in the magic around her, but she couldn't tell what it was. It was a distant, fading sort of feeling, as if she could sense it in waves.

If she felt it in such small pulses, she knew Albus must feel it in grander ones, and she decided to ask him about it after the meeting.

* * *

As the Order of the Phoenix settled in for their meeting, Molly Weasley immediately noticed the vacancy of a certain group of teenagers. All of the so-called "Marauders", Lily Evans, and unsurprisingly, Severus Snape, weren't present. It was more surprising that all the Gryffindors were _with_ Severus Snape, even though really, she knew better than to be surprised by that.

Molly knew that there had been terrible fights between them at school, and now they had all become somewhat close. She thought of it as an effect of the coming war; the teens were all the same age and were in the same classes at school, it shouldn't be shocking that they'd band together.

She just hoped that Severus wouldn't suffer any repercussions for not attending tonight's meeting.

She'd heard the boy crying the night before, sounding as though his own heart had been torn out of his chest. She knew something went extremely wrong, and she had told Dumbledore that.

But for a strange reason, Molly was now feeling that maybe she shouldn't have.

She trusted Dumbledore, she really did, or at least she did before. But with the way he had been acting around Severus, taking too much of an interest with his activities with the Dark Lord and too little about his health made her uncertain. He was just a boy, he had only gotten out of school two months ago. After what happened last night, he definitely deserved some sort of repose.

Molly sat uncomfortably in her chair as Dumbledore entered, hoping that he would give Severus that rest.

* * *

Lily Evans sat perched on the bed in Severus's room, listening to the boys talk. She wasn't paying much attention, because she was thinking about what James told her concerning the previous night.

James told her that Severus had a mental breakdown, cried in front of him twice, and did some sort of unspeakable act for Voldemort. She didn't know what that act was, but it was so bad that Severus himself couldn't even say it out loud.

She bit her lip, and decided to bring up something that the boys probably weren't considering at the moment.

"Guys, hey," she snapped her fingers once, and they all gazed at her, albeit confusedly.

"I just," she sighed, "I had a question, and I wanted to know if you noticed it too."

"Noticed what?" Asked Remus, the first to be concerned.

"Dumbledore." Lily replied, lowering her voice a little. She had no idea if he was in the house yet, for the meeting on the first floor hadn't yet fully begun.

"Noticed what about him?" That question came from Sirius.

"Well, I mean, he isn't very concerned about us, is he?" Lily asked carefully. She didn't mean to damage any of the boys' trust in Dumbledore, although she felt Severus's might be diminishing if she was guessing correctly. "He always seems to be looking at…the bigger picture. At our expense. Right?"

Lily and James had briefly discussed this unsettling fact about Dumbledore before, the way that he seemed to play people like pieces on a chess board. She could _tell_ he was manipulative, and not just towards Severus, either. Others had to be affected, but she just needed to figure out who.

"I mean…I've thought about it," Severus said, finally speaking up. "I do think he's planning something. There's this look he gets, whenever I give him information…it's the same look I see when the Dark Lord receives information from his informants. It's as though they both enjoy knowing too much and knowing things others don't, even though it's the same information on both ends of the stick. They think they're both ahead of the game, but really, they haven't even started playing."

All of the Marauders and Lily's eyes somewhat widened in realization after Severus's short rant.

It was unanimous. _He was right_.

Lily decided right then and there that she would go to someone about this immediately following the meeting, and she only hoped that Professor McGonagall stayed long enough after the meeting to hear what she had to say.

* * *

The teenagers weren't present at the meeting, and Dumbledore wondered whether they thought he wouldn't notice or not.

None of them bothered to attend, not even the promising Lily Evans, who was working herself up to be one of the brightest Light witches he'd ever seen.

Dumbledore needed information, he needed to know from Severus what the summoning of the Wild Dark was about, and most importantly, he needed to know exactly what had happened the night before.

Turning to Molly Weasley, who stayed about the Headquarters house for some hours of her days, he asked, "Do you know where the recent graduates are?"

He pretended not to notice the strange glint in her eyes as she replied with, "No, Headmaster, I don't." He pretended not to know that she was lying, and that they were all upstairs.

"Could you find them for me?"

* * *

Molly Weasley was hesitant. She didn't, in the slightest, want to call down the teenagers from upstairs. She didn't want to go and fetch them for Dumbledore to scrutinize. However, in order to not arouse suspicion and to keep the meeting flowing (because the silence, in all honesty, was growing heavy), she simply nodded and went upstairs.

She knocked on the door of Severus's bedroom, where she knew they all were. Sirius and Lily answered, two formidable forces on their own, but a definite threat when paired together.

"Oh, Mrs. Weasley, it's you," Lily said, relaxing a fraction. Molly could see Sirius pretending not to glance behind him every few seconds, checking between Molly and the other boys inside. "What is it?"

"The Headmaster has sent me to get you all," Molly said, looking behind Lily, at the other boys. "He wants you all at the meeting."

"Tell him we can't," Sirius said sharply. "We can't attend tonight."

Molly knew immediately there was a problem when Sirius Black was…well… _serious_ about something.

"He already must know that you're all here if he sent me to get you. It's most likely about to be himself next."

Lily and Sirius shared a look.

"Give us a moment, Mrs. Weasley. Tell him we'll…we'll be down as soon as we can," Lily said.

"Of course," Molly replied, and went back downstairs.

As she entered and took her place, she told Dumbledore that the teenagers would be down soon. She tried not to notice his badly hidden displeasure.

* * *

That was strange, Minerva McGonagall noted, as Molly Weasley returned to the meeting table. Dumbledore never specially asked for anyone to attend, it was always anyone who was able. She didn't think that the Marauders, Lily, and Severus missing one meeting was at all significant.

She didn't hear of the event the night before.

She saw Dumbledore's attempt at hiding his displeasure at the idea of them being late to the meeting, and a thought flitted into her head, with seemingly no source.

 _He's using them._

Minerva was internally shocked at herself. She had never thought that kind of thing before; she had always viewed Dumbledore as doing the right thing for everyone. She never considered, not really, that he was the one placing people in line to be sacrificed.

However, now that she dared to think a little more deeply, she found that she could be right.

She would need to talk this out with someone, and it seemed Molly Weasley was the right choice, seeing her trepidation at retrieving the group from upstairs. Discarding what she thought of the small ripples of imbalance from earlier, she decided that she would talk to Molly instead after the meeting.

* * *

Watching the teenagers come downstairs and into the dining room for the meeting was like watching a procession to a funeral, Molly thought, as they entered. They all looked equally solemn, equally tired, all hidden in a façade of a blank expression.

They had a plan, and she could tell.

* * *

They had planned it in the five minutes they took to get downstairs, and James Potter thought it was at a least half-brilliant plan. When Severus would be questioned about the night before, which they all deduced he would be, they planned to all stay silent together. Severus would answer general questions if they arose, but if anything else was asked, especially about specific details of the act, they'd stay quiet. If Severus would have to go down, they would all go down together.

The Marauders-plus-two took their seats. It began.

"How lovely for you to join us," Dumbledore said, in the sugar-sweet way he would as though he was talking to a group of new first years. The twinkle in his eye, however, was absent. "I have just a few questions to ask, about last night."

The group stopped themselves from sharing knowing glances.

Dumbledore took their silence as permission to go on, and he did, asking Severus directly, "What happened?"

"A meeting, sir," was all he said.

Dumbledore rose an eyebrow, as though waiting for him to continue.

He didn't.

"Just a meeting? Did you receive any information, Severus?"

"No, sir."

"Nothing of pertinence?"

"No, sir."

James saw the looks on other adults' faces. They were unsettled by the whole thing; they didn't like the looks on the Marauders-plus-two's faces, they didn't like the fact they were relatively silent, which was a first for the group.

James saw, out of the corner of his eye that Dumbledore wasn't happy about it.

"Severus, an Order member last night told me about how you broke down yesterday night, that there was something you must have had to do. We need to know what that act was."

James and his friends saw Severus grow paler, staring down at the table in front of them with a new intensity.

"Nothing happened, Headmaster. I don't know what you mean, I certainly didn't see or hear this happen." The statement came from Remus, and the Marauders-plus-two resisted looking at him.

"Mr. Lupin, are you implying that this most trusted member lied to me?"

"I imply nothing sir, for I don't know the verbatim of what they told you. I am merely saying that my friends and I heard nothing of this. Severus just came upstairs as always, nothing more."

"Severus," said Dumbledore, in a faux-soothing tone. James could hear the distortion in his voice, but James watched as Severus made a mistake.

He looked at Dumbledore, straight into the eyes.

Lily and Severus, before the group came down to the meeting, said that Dumbledore is a Legilimens, and that they shouldn't look at him at all during the meeting. James saw Severus catch himself in his mistake, but it was too late.

* * *

Dumbledore was in his mind, and Severus was trying his hardest not to panic. He had his Occlumency shields up, but knew that if they were nothing against the Dark Lord's magic, they'd be nothing against Dumbledore's. He saw and felt Dumbledore sift through his memories of the day before.

He watched within his mind as Dumbledore found the events of the Death Eater meeting.

He couldn't bear watching himself kill the woman again, he could hardly handle it as it happened the night before. He tried frantically to push Dumbledore out, but nothing was working.

Dumbledore started viewing the memories.

Severus was forced to relive the terrible moments. He was only partly aware that he was shaking and that his eyes were tearing up; he was too focused on the scenes unfolding.

After getting about halfway through the night's experience, Severus felt a hard pull, and he was suddenly looking into the eyes of James Potter.

"That's _enough_." James said, angrier and more threatening than Severus had ever heard him sound before, and it was directed at Dumbledore. All of the Marauders, including Lily, were glaring at him. Even Sirius was fuming.

"Let's get out of here," James said in a much softer tone to Severus, but nodded to the whole group to leave. James helped Severus get up, and the group flanked them both, like knights around a prince, leaving without so much as a word to Dumbledore.

* * *

Once they got upstairs, James told the others to give him and Severus a moment alone. The others went to Remus's room, while James and Severus went into their own—now shared—one.

James sat Severus down on the bed, sitting next to him. He saw Severus was starting to tear up again.

"Hey," James said softly, lightly tilting Severus's head towards his. "It's alright. He can't get you up here."

Severus nodded, and wiped his eyes. "I…I know." He sighed. "It's…that was…it reminded me of how…I don't know, it doesn't make sense to compare them, but…sometimes the Dark Lord…would do things like that. Pull you over and look into your mind to see if you're loyal or not. Look into your mind if you show the slightest hesitation. He did it a lot to test me, before I came to the Order, when I was still the newest."

This was the first in-detail description Severus had given to James. He never spoke of what had happened to him in the meetings before he joined the Order until now.

"I don't think Dumbledore meant it like that, Severus, but…it was still wrong. He…" James just shook his head. "He's terrible in his own ways."

It wasn't very long before Sirius and the others nearly broke the door down because James and Severus were taking so long to talk to each other. When they entered, they all resumed their positions, sitting on Severus's bed. They resumed the conversation they were having prior to the meeting, but now added fuel was within the fire behind their words. Dumbledore had to be knocked down somewhat, and they were determined to be the ones to push.

* * *

Molly saw Dumbledore try his best to resume the meeting and continue on, but she also saw the hesitation and anger in the expressions of the other members. No one _really_ wanted to continue to stay there, not after what had just occurred, but she noticed that no one really had the strength to leave and possibly anger Dumbledore.

No one particularly wanted to jeopardize their chance at being under his protection, not now.

She sat through the rest of the meeting silently—she was sitting in for her brothers today, they were watching her boys at the Burrow; they took turns in rotations—and thought of ways to possibly approach the teenagers upstairs.

* * *

The meeting was finally ended, and the Marauders-plus-two heard everyone leaving.

"Let's go, we have to catch her before she leaves," Lily said, running downstairs, the boys not far behind. Lily had told them of her plan of speaking to Professor McGonagall, and all of them had agreed on some things to say.

Luckily, they were able to find her before she left; Molly Weasley was in the middle of speaking with Professor McGonagall.

"Oh, it's you six," Molly said with a small smile, "We wanted to talk to you, actually." The Marauders-plus-two looked at each other.

"We wanted to talk to you, Professor," Lily said, "I guess this works out perfectly, then."

"Albus has already left," Minerva said, "So we can speak freely."

The Marauders-plus-two exchanged another set of glances.

"It…is the general consensus between us, Professor and Mrs. Weasley, that the Headmaster is using us like chess pieces. We're pawns in his strategies," Severus finally spoke, after a stretched out silence. "We…started by thinking that he doesn't really care about us, just…the bigger picture."

Both women shared a concerned, but unsurprised look. "We began thinking the same way," Minerva said, "Especially after that…horrid display today."

"What should we do?" James asked. "We don't exactly feel the safest in the Order anymore, and there's nowhere else to go."

"I think it would be wise of you to stay in the Order, just so you are in the know of what's going on," Minerva said after a pause, "However, there are many sides to a war, and a third side rising up would…perhaps let others who felt they had no place on the sides of two extremes have a say."

The Marauders-plus-two looked at each other, sparks of fire in their eyes.

There would be a lot of planning to do.


	14. Interlude I-Acolyte

**Hey, readers. I'm currently a lot behind on Chapter 13, mostly because I had exams towards the end of last month, and I haven't been very motivated! But fear not, for here is a short little thing to keep you going until the update. Don't worry about that, either, because I'm already a little over 1k in. It'll be around soon, I promise. (Bear with me, I have a lot of important things due in school soon).**

* * *

Interlude: Acolyte

 _Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm._

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

* * *

To whom it may concern,

Severus Snape,

You have been formally chosen to become my Protégé. As I do not know how familiar you are with the culture of wizards due to your half blood, I will explain what that entails to you.

A Protégé is similar to what a Muggle military man would call his right hand; an aide-de-camp. I will train you in what I deem worthy to pass on—knowledge that no other will have access to unless they study it themselves. I hold Masteries in Transfiguration and Dark Arts, from the time when it was formally available to study, and I am also able to fly without a broom; a skill, as you know, that others do not possess.

I will teach you these things, making you a technical Master of three. It would do poorly if you refuse this offer so generously handed to you.

You may wonder what deems you worthy. You may ask, "Why have I been chosen, and not others?" The direct answer is one I will not disclose, but a fraction of it is that you have shown to me the purest ambition I have ever seen. Many in my ranks are looking for power, for glory, for money; but you. I thought you were one of the many looking to become more powerful at first, but I know. I saw the true reason. You wanted to better yourself.

Here is your chance.

Lord Voldemort.

* * *

Severus looked at James as he read the letter out loud. It was only a thin piece of parchment, with the Dark Lord's signature nearly burnt onto it. Although it didn't have any line to sign on, and this was more of a request rather than an offer, Severus felt that by saying "Yes", he was signing away his soul.

"Protégés aren't inherently bad, Severus," James said, noticing his discomfort. "He isn't making you an upgraded servant, if that's what your wondering. I think this is the closest to an equal you'd ever get with someone like him."

"So...someone on the side of Dumbledore or our third side could take one?"

"As long as you're a Master in something, then you can, yeah," James replied, taking the letter out of Severus's shaking hands and folding it back up. "When you finish your Potions Mastery, you can take one after a year, I think."

Severus thought about it for a moment, trying not to think of how he'd possibly be taught how to fly without a broom. He couldn't really fly _with_ one in the first place. All he could do was fly in a straight line or circle. "I don't really want to do this, James. Well...part of me doesn't. Part of me knows that I should say no, but I can't. But..."

Severus waited for James to cut in, but James only waited patiently for him to finish. With a sigh, Severus continued, "But...part of me is... _grateful_ that I can't say no. That I can't back out and slither away from such an...opportunity."

"The way I see it," James said, lightly putting his hand over Severus's, "Is that you get a lot of information, new experience, and ultimately get to further yourself. I sound like Lily when I say that, but it's true."

Severus nodded. "You're right...I just wish it wasn't with him."

"I know," James said. "I wish it wasn't, either. But you can do it, and we'll all back you, you know that."

"I know..." Severus said. He just couldn't shake the feeling that he was clay, being molded by Dumbledore and now Voldemort's hands.

* * *

Voldemort _did_ wonder whether there were any famous sayings on molding the future with just his hand, or if he'd be the first to invent some. It didn't escape his notice that Dumbledore didn't put any initiative forward in claiming Severus Snape for his own, which, Voldemort was frankly slightly surprised at. The old man had a tendency for pitying those who looked like stray dogs in need of care, and if anyone was a stray, it was Severus Snape. As always, Voldemort saw himself at the forefront of progression.

How he did laugh at how he would teach the boy to fly.


	15. Chapter 13-Odium

**Hey readers! I'm back with an actual chapter, for real this time! So, by now, I've been thinking that there might be 20 chapters in total for this story, but it's far from finished. I've realized that these plots and subplots are so far out of reach for one book-so to speak-to handle, so there may be a book 2! I'll continue planning, but that's what I see happening! Thank you for sticking with this story so far! -Gabriel (P.S.: I hope any Wiccans/anyone who celebrates had a healthy, safe, and well Ostara!)**

* * *

Chapter 13: Odium

 _I've got secrets in my pocket, and I'll pass them out if anybody wants to try_  
 _I've got all this information, but I keep it to myself 'cause that's how I survive_  
 _A thousand eyes are watching…_

-Hey Violet, "Where Have You Been? (All My Night)"

* * *

It was Friday.

Regulus Black was running, trying to get the feeling of hundreds of cadaverous hands off him. _This was a mistake, a mistake, a mistake_ , kept cycling through his head as he ran, unable to shake the feeling that evil was crawling up his spine.

He had joined them a few months prior.

He saw Severus Snape at the induction. Emotionless as ever, enigmatic; who some Death Eaters rumored was the Dark Lord's _Protégé_.

He ran.

He heard the whispers that encompassed the meeting room before the Dark Lord entered; you always hear the quiet discussions you aren't apart of when you're new and quiet.

He ran.

 _"Severus Snape? Why him? Why not me?"_  
 _"I hear the Dark Lord trains him, tells him how to fly…"_  
 _"To fly?"_  
 _"Without a broom?"_

Regulus clutched the locket in his hand, feeling it pulse with a heartbeat that nearly drove him to throw it off the cliff he was running from. The knowledge that throwing it into the ocean would do nothing was the only thing keeping him from doing it.

 _"His Potions Mastery is being paid for…"_

 _"What does the Dark Lord see in him?"_

Mysteries attract mysteries.

Regulus thought of how he _had_ to get this locket to Severus Snape. He knew Severus Snape and his brother Sirius's friends were the only ones who could dispose of it.

The ticking locket that ticked away the hours, the minutes, and the seconds Regulus had left to live.

He tried to put what he did to Kreacher in order to obtain this locket out of his mind.

He ran.

Regulus ran until he knew it was safe to Apparate, holding the slip of parchment he received from Sirius 'for emergencies' in his other hand. The parchment held the Fidelus-kept address of the meeting place of The Order of the Phoenix, and Sirius's friends' secret group, The Millennia.

He apparated to the house's porch, and knocked as quickly as he could.

Regulus was never happier to see his older brother.

—3 Months Ago—

The first meeting after Regulus's painful induction was strange, to say the least. Regulus was really only familiar with one other person there (other than the members of his family, who he didn't really want to talk to anyway), and that was one of his old housemates, Severus Snape.

The same Severus Snape that was a large part of the inner circle's conversation that Regulus was overhearing.

"I don't understand it," said Abraxas Malfoy, looking as disdained as his son usually did. "Of all the people the Dark Lord could have chosen for a _Protégé_ , it's _him_? A poor halfblood?"

"They say he has a knack for potions, Mr. Malfoy," replied a Death Eater that Regulus didn't recognize.

"So much of a knack that I hear the Dark Lord will begin to pay for his Potions Mastery," grumbled a man who Regulus thought was Antonin Dolohov.

Regulus began to tune out the conversation, but only because he felt someone's piercing gaze on him. Out of his peripheral vision, he saw Severus Snape staring at him.

Regulus thought it important to note that he was sitting at the Dark Lord's right side.

He didn't have much time to think on it much more, since the meeting had just been called to order.

—2 Months Ago—

Regulus didn't know what really occurred, but he was currently being ushered into a dilapidated house in an equally run down, broken town by his brother.

"This can't seriously be where you're living now, is it?"

"Of course not. My…friend said I could use this place," Sirius replied. "Now, listen up, because this is important."

Regulus was told by Sirius that he knew Regulus was in the Death Eaters, but wasn't told how he got that information-Sirius only said that word gets around.

"What would you do if I told you that Dumbledore, Death Eaters, and death itself aren't the only options out there?"

"What do you mean?" Regulus had learned by now that there was really only two options in the world around him, and a third if you wanted to try to be neither or both.

"I mean that there are other ways to go, if you look for them."

Regulus just looked confused, and Sirius wasn't explaining well enough to clear the air.

"Here," Sirius said, handing Regulus a slip of parchment. "If you lose this, you don't get another. I'm risking a lot as it is." Sirius pointed to the address. "It's for emergencies. Apparate there, and I'll be there."

—1 Month Ago—

Horcruxes?

Regulus had been reading one of the many tomes he stole routinely from the Black family library, and too many things dawned on him at once.

He had heard of the outburst of Wild Dark a few months prior, and making a Horcrux would have been one of the more obvious dark routes to take, as obscure as Horcruxes were in the first place.

If the Dark Lord was making Horcruxes, he'd continue to grow unstable. He'd become a threat to even his own cause, and in turn, to Regulus himself.

And with more Horcruxes, the more unstoppable the Dark Lord would become.

—2 Weeks Ago—

Regulus didn't usually believe in luck, but, as luck would have it, he was traversing soon to be—or already—Inferi-infested waters.

Through the memories of his house-elf, Kreacher.

Earlier that day, the Dark Lord had asked to "borrow" Kreacher, and the house-elf had returned, looking worse for wear. Regulus had asked to try and view Kreacher's memories—which, he wasn't sure would work—and Kreacher let him. Thankfully for Regulus, house-elves' memories can be extracted the same way that a wizard's can.

Regulus was right. The Dark Lord _was_ making Horcruxes, and had at least one.

Regulus decided that if he was going to do anything with his life, it would be at least to prolong it, and to prevent the Dark Lord from winning.

* * *

Every Thursday at dusk, Severus had been meeting with the Dark Lord. Most of the lessons so far had been slightly menial—mostly research. But tonight, Severus could sense in the air that something was different.

He entered their meeting place in the unused wing of the Parkinsons' manor house, and saw the Dark Lord sitting in the middle of a chalked outline on the floor. To Severus's surprise, his eyes were closed, and he didn't appear to hear Severus enter.

"Severus. Sit directly in front of me. You will see a point made with chalk, that's where," the Dark Lord hadn't made a move, he hadn't even opened his eyes.

"Yes, my Lord." Severus did as he was told, even copying the position the Dark Lord was sitting in.

"Today, I am going to have you call upon the Wild Dark."

Severus couldn't contain his surprise at this. He had only heard myths of the Wild Dark, never having felt it himself. He never saw it called upon, either, but part of him wasn't shocked that of _course_ the Dark Lord could call upon it so easily.

"You must close your eyes and allow yourself to melt. The popular myth nowadays is that some terrible act must be committed in order to call the Wild Dark to you, but in reality,—though, violent, terrible acts are much my preferred way of doing things—that is not true. If you have a natural aptitude for it, which I will see if you do now, it can come to you quite easily."

"Is the Wild Dark something rare to have an aptitude for?" Severus asked. As strange as their arrangement was, as a _Protégé_ , Severus couldn't really be denied asking questions, which was something he was grateful for.

"No," the Dark Lord said simply. "It's just a matter of nobody calling upon it. It is not _inherently_ rare, although some people cannot do it at all. It's much like your talent in Potions. You are not the only one on your skill level, and many people can work to be there, as you yourself have, but it is rarely explored by those who do not think on it."

"Can it be taught?"

"No, and that is the strange thing about it. It seems to be an innate ability within magical beings. I cannot teach it to you, you have to learn it yourself. The Wild Dark is different to everyone it encounters."

"My Lord, I…have only heard rumors and mythos about the Wild Dark. What is the actual reasoning behind it?"

"The thing about the Wild Dark, Severus, is that there is no rhyme and reason about it. It is magic in its rawest form, and that is what scares people. It cannot be properly harnessed by any wizard, and that is why it was called dark. You would be _very_ foolish if you tried to harness this or manipulate it for your own will. This magic is sentient. And yet, it runs through those who wish for freedom the most."

Severus nodded slowly, not minding whether or not the Dark Lord could see him—although, it seemed that he could—and shut his eyes.

"Let yourself become water. Feel nothing, and clear your mind—much like Occlumency."

Severus found immediately that letting himself go unguarded was an issue. He tried to relax, but there was something holding him back. What if he was attacked? What if someone tried to enter his mind?

"I will leave the room. You will be alone. Perhaps that would put your obviously turbulent mind at ease. I will be able to sense the Wild Dark if you do manage to call upon it and I will reenter, but by then, you will most likely take no notice of me. Leaving you to find this yourself is the utmost trust I will place in you as _Protégé_."

Severus heard the Dark Lord get up and move towards the door, and pause.

"Do not make me regret this, Severus."

The door opened and closed.

Severus opened an eye to make sure he really was alone, and when he saw he was, he shut his eyes fully again, immersing himself in the pools of his mind.

His Occlumency was based around water, having a layer of ice as the surface, with hundreds of fathoms of memories below. The Dark Lord had told him to become water, not surround himself with it, though. Severus decided to focus on something else instead.

He breathed deeply, and let himself relax and become as fluid as possible. He thought of his magic, but not so much that it distracted him from relaxing.

He envisioned magic running through him has blood vessels do, veins, capillaries, arteries. He envisioned them not stopping at the ends of his fingers and feet, but going beyond him, and calling. Embracing.

His magic became the tide, pulling in and out, casting a net of liquified messages. He felt the edge of something, as though it was a pinch of something sharp, but he couldn't quite identify where it was coming from.

Then, he remembered what the Dark Lord had said earlier: _It seems to be an innate ability within magical beings._

Within.

Severus directed his tides within himself, drawing out his own darkness to respond to his magic's call. Before he knew it, he heard it.

There was a song around him, a chorus of magic that sounded too unbelievable to explain. It called to him, just as he called to it, but it was the pull, whereas he was the push. It gave in what he gave out. He could feel it physically around him, surrounding him as a thickening fog, but lighter than air. He could feel it gliding across his hands and face, through his hair, and around his legs. It felt as though he was flying, without ever leaving the ground, with a birdsong of magic in his ears and wings beneath his feet, gliding him over his tide.

He didn't notice the Dark Lord re-entering the room. He didn't notice the astonished look the Dark Lord couldn't contain in his face.

He also didn't notice at how the glint in the Dark Lord's eye was not one of fear, but one of sick pride and satisfaction.

* * *

The Dark Lord held a powerful one within his ranks, and now he knew it for a fact. Severus Snape had called the Wild Dark to him for the first time in no more than three hours, and he was seeing him with his own eyes suspended in the middle of the room, off the ground, with nothing holding him but sheer will.

The molding had begun, and Severus Snape hadn't even known it.

Calling the Wild Dark was only the first step. Now, Severus must learn the rituals, traditions of old. There would be no way someone of his low status and high caliber of magic could survive being thrown out into Voldemort's hand-made society of aristocrats and magical elite without even knowing the basics. Too many would try to eat away at Severus's power.

It would be _such_ a waste to let such potential fade away like that.

Voldemort decided to let Severus stay as he was, for the Wild Dark would leave him soon enough. It didn't prefer to have one host for a long time. It wouldn't be detrimental, only…eye opening, more than anything.

Voldemort felt something he hadn't felt in a very long time, not since he made his first Horcrux: something new was on the horizon, and it was bringing a storm with it.

He was the herald of the storm.

* * *

Albus Dumbledore shook his head as he poured over his meticulous plans, his List of Lives. He could feel the Wild Dark being called upon again, but this time, with a newer, fresher feeling, as if it had just rained and the sun had shone.

Who was summoning it now?

It definitely wasn't the regular, syrupy feeling that often associated with Voldemort summoning the Wild Dark for his rituals. It was something else. It was almost as if it was something watery, something light.

Someone new.

But who would have been able to balance themselves like this? Who was studying for weeks for this moment? Dumbledore had only read that summoning the Wild Dark was something of great toll on a wizard or witch, and something like that was not to be messed around with, not while the List of Lives was being authored by him.

There was something new coming, and it was bringing a storm with it. Dumbledore had only hoped that he would be ready when it began to pour.

* * *

"Regulus? What are you doing here?" Sirius asked, once they were both inside and upstairs, in the designated Mill'-Meeting-Bedroom, Severus and James's room.

"There's something more to You-Know-Who than everybody thinks, and there's a _major_ problem," Regulus said, wringing his hands. He was still holding the ticking locket.

"I'll call the others."

Sirius rounded up the rest of the Millenia that were around the house within minutes, and soon, James, Severus, Lily, Peter, Remus, and Sirius were watching Regulus pace around, swinging a glinting gold locket in his hand.

"Regulus," Severus began, "What is that you're holding?"

Regulus stopped his pacing.

"Have you…did you guys notice or hear about the outburst of the Wild Dark from a few weeks ago?"

Severus nodded his head, looking surprisingly serene. Regulus knew Severus had a private meeting with the Dark Lord the night before, and he had contained himself from asking questions about it so far. The others in the group said varying answers, mostly 'No's.

"Well, that was…that was because the Dark Lord was making this." Regulus held up the locket. "I don't know how many of you have read on Horcruxes, or even heard of them, but the gist is, he's trying to make himself immortal, and doing some _very_ dark magic to get himself there. This is one of them."

Regulus paused as the others grew shocked at his words.

"And I stole it."


End file.
